FALLOWEEN EXTRAVAGANZA!
DAY 1
TOP 10 BOOKS
TO READ AROUND HALLOWEEN
Hello everyone. I'm still alive. How
'bout that? Sorry about the wait, I've been doing “real” job
stuff, life stuff happened, you know how it is. STFU, my timing is
im-fucking-peccable.
Welcome to frigging fall! Those of us
in the Northeast are already suffering OWS (Oncoming Winter Syndrome)
what with last year being made of terrifying storms and snow that
didn't melt until well into August in some areas. No kidding. The
largest city in my state still had a snow-pile in August. Still
don't know if it ever melted all the way.
Those who know the real me IRL (In Real
Life, for those not as accustome to internet parlance) know that this
is my favorite time of year. The shorts go back in the drawer of
shame, the t-shirts get augmented by flannel and wool, the sweaters
and sweatshirts get shown off. Never you mind all that pumpkin spice
bullshit, though. I'm more of a cinnamon-in-the-cocoa kinda person.
Sure, I like the spice part, but I've never been one for pumpkin. My
family largely regards me as an abomination (or at least an
aberration) since I won't eat pumpkin pie, even on Thanksgiving. I'm
an apple-eater, and proud of it.
October, being the best month ever, bar
none, is my time of year. If I've got any excuse for why it's taken
me this long to post
something Halloween-related, it's that I've been up to my eyebrows in
Halloween-related things. As an illustration of this, and as a way
to actually have some content up, here are a few Top 10 lists of my
favorite Halloween-related things. Y'know, the ones that have been
distracting me and all....
Today's
subject: BOOKS!
FILTHY
CASUAL'S TOP 10 HALLOWEEN BOOKS*
*may
not contain any actual Halloween. Bite me.
#10:
Bunnicula: A Rabbit Tale of Mystery by Deborah & James
Howe
I
love bunnies. I like vampires. I like books with unexpected
narrators. I may still be approximately 8 years old at heart... add
all that together, and you get the perfect recipe for a
Bunnicula-lover! Bunnicula
is the story of a dog (Harold), his neurotic, drama-queen roommate, Chester
the cat, their family (the Monroes), and the sudden arrival of a possibly
vampiric rabbit named, you guessed it, Bunnicula. Chester, having
read Dracula and many other books in his day (yes, these animals
aren't just sentient, they're also literate, it's a kids' book, just
go with it), is convinced that Bunnicula isn't some innocent little
vegan. He fears that the lapid might do something unholy to the
family. Problem: Chester is kind of the boy who cried wolf in this
family, so it's up to Harold to save the day. Or something.
I'll be honest with you, it's been a very long time since I've read
this book. I think I remember one of the sequels, The
Celery Stalks at Midnight,
better. I certainly remember there being a Dachshund who may or may
not have been a lycanthrope in that book...
If
you like small, furry animals, clever wordplay, and a children's book
that won't talk down to you (or your own sprog if you need the excuse
to read this lovely little thing), then I highly recommend this book.
#9:
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Maybe
he wasn't the first, but it would be hard to argue that Count Dracula
isn't the most famous literary vampire. Most people are likely more
familiar with the nasty noble from his cinematic appearances,
specifically the Bela Lugosi film, but I strongly urge anyone who
hasn't read the book it came from to do so now! There are literally
thousands of iterations of this story now, and it's easy to lose
sight of the original in the milieu. Sure, there are parts that drag
(why do we need to know about how dearly Harker loves chicken
paprikash?), but the story itself is deeply unsettling. Especially
when you realize that the whole neck-biting thing? Not really a part
of the book. Instead, there's a significant amount of what I, weeny
that I am, would call Body-Horror in this tale. And that scene that
almost always gets cut out where Dracula crawls head first
down the walls of the castle to get into his coffin. I think I've
only ever seen it replicated with the appropriate amount of
creeptitude in Nosferatu,
but we'll get into that later.
Read
this! (It's super easy too, there's a free version for Kindle.)
#8:
The Eyes of the Dragon
by Stephen King
Okay,
so this one's not really Halloween-ish, but it's got some seriously
messed up stuff in it! Any book which includes assassination,
attempted fratricide, madmen writing their last journals in their own
blood, and poisons that literally burn you from the inside out is
going to be unsettling. That said, there's not much I can say
without spoiling the whole thing for you, if you haven't read it yet.
As something which was supposed to be written as a bedtime story (if
that rumor is correct), it succeeds far better than my father's
sadistic reading of the King short-story The Boogyman.
Seriously, who does
that to a six-year-old?! (It also succeeds better than Lady
in the Water, sorry
Shyamalamanamana)
#7:
California Bones by
Greg van Eekhout
Holy
crap is this book good. I picked it up at my local library on a
whim, and it's become one of my favorite books. The premise is
clever – an alternate history of America where there's real magic,
California has seceded from the Union, and people are eating each
other. Literally. Seriously, that's how the damn book starts.
The main character watches people murder and eat his father for the
magic in his bones! Yeah, I can't give much else away on this one,
either. There's a heist, there's weird alchemy, there's drug use,
there's Disney, there's strong implications regarding the fates of
several Hollywood greats... it's amazing. Read this. I could not
stop once I started.
#6:
The List of 7 by Mark
Frost
The
author should tell you all you need to know. This guy helped create
Twin Peaks. Now he's writing a Sherlock Holmes pastiche starring Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle himself. Fighting zombies. And maybe satan. And
Hitler shows up at one
point! What the crap?! This book was made of head-spinning mystery,
steamy romance, surprise cameos (yeah, Hitler's not the only sudden
appearance, just the briefest), etc. It makes me desperate to find
and read the sequel, but I'm working my way through two other books
right now, so it'll have to wait. Unlike my SO, I can't read more
than two books at a time ;)
Why
is this book not a movie? It should be a movie.
#5:
The Italian Secretary
by Caleb Carr
From
a Holmes pastiche that isn't to one which is. The Italian
Secretary is a story about
Holmes, Watson, and possibly ghosts. Not kidding. Not at all.
Also, they fight a goddamn ballista at one point. It's all terribly
dramatic. While investigating mysterious deaths at Holyrood House,
H&W are confronted with a legend regarding a ghostly,
hunchbacked, mad Italian music instructor to the Scottish Queen who
was murdered by a huge amount of lords and landholders (a tale which
may have possibly inspired the culmination of Murder on the
Orient Express?) because of
reasons. I promise, the spooky ghost story and the possible spectral
interference at the end of the book somehow relate into the ballista,
some illegal haunted tours, unwanted pregnancy, and mad
money-grubbers.
#4:
Horrorstör
by Grady Hendrix
Ikea
is a special kind of hell. This book is about Orsk, a haunted Ikea
knockoff, and the employees who get trapped in it. Horrorstör
starts off with a young protagonist who feels trapped and smothered
by her job. She gets roped into investigating some weird stuff
that's been happening in the store (there is feces discovered and no
poop-smearer can be found to match to it, also creepy bathroom
writing and malfunctioning electronics). Anyone who has worked a
retail job for more than a week knows exactly who the characters are
and their daily grind. It's a supremly relatable cast, but then the
weird shit happens: The main character, Amy, and her coworkers stay
the night with their supervisor in order to catch whoever has been
defacing the store, but it might just turn out that they aren't as
alone as it may at first appear.
I
won't spoil what happens when night falls on Orsk, but no one will
remain unchanged by their experience.
(Holy
shit this book nearly gave me nightmares!)
#3:
Boneshaker
by Cherie Priest
While
I am personally also a fan of Priest's other series, Four
and Twenty Blackbirds,
I wanted a zombie book in here. This book takes place in an
alternate history where the Civil War never really ended, airships
have taken over for the failed railroad, and zombies have sprung up
from a deadly mist which has overtaken the now-walled-in city of
Seattle. Yeah. Seattle, Washington.
Bear
in mind while reading that this is pretty solidly a YA book (I don't
know why they just lump all Steampunk books together. It's really
annoying when you want to read something a little more... spicy from
time to time). It's about a mother's love, a son's determination to
find out what happened to his father (which was a twist that took
even my Shyamalamadingdong-damaged mind by surprise), and
zombie-inducing gas and drugs. Also sky pirates, but that's more the
followup book Clementine
(which I also own. I should just buy all of the Clockwork
Century series,
shouldn't I?)
If
you want your zombies with a side of family drama and a slice of
Steampunk, this is your book.
#2:
Scary Stories to
Tell in the Dark by
Alvin Schwartz, drawings by Stephen Gammell
This
book and its sequels gave me nightmares for years. I still get
creeped out by the covers. I cannot look at the illustrations for
The Thing
and Cold as
Clay.
I can't. When the books were still in my room, I had to cover them
up, turn them around, and then put more books in front of them. They
freaked me out. They still freak me out. Why were these marketed
towards children? Why wouldn't I stop reading them as a kid? These
books are the reason I won't look out windows or into mirrors at
night. These books are why I fear the dark. These books are why
I've never been frightened by another Stephen King book or short
story since The
Boogyman and
that one about the teacher who kills the kids.
This
series is fucking awesome.
Torture
your offspring with them.
Torture
their sprog with them.
Just....
never make me read Cold
as Clay
again. And bear in mind, I still can't read these almost 20 years
later.
#1:
October Dark
by David Herter
Read
this goddamn book.
Buy
it.
Read
it.
Spread
the word.
Holy
shit, this book made my Atheist heart beat with religious fervor.
And I seem to be the only one as deeply in love with it as I am.
That hurts. That hurts a lot.
I
was not yet born when this book takes place – the years and days
leading up to the premier of Star
Wars
– but I know the fervor well. I lived through the downfall of the
series, after all. I also lived through the fall of
stop-motion-animation. This book is about both. And dark magic.
And creepy haunted movies that will make you want to watch them. Oh,
and a headless automaton which may or may not be a witch-in-waiting.
And a dude who just won't die.
And
70s music.
And
did I mention it's a love letter to Ray Bradbury?
This
book is amazing. I cannot do it justice with my words, only my
militant belief that it deserves far broader readership than it has
had.
Sadly,
the only physical copies are from a limited run of hardcovers. I
stumbled upon one of these at my local library a few years ago and
devoured it. It's a beautiful book in print. Then I was given a
Kindle for Christmas and downloaded the e-book. The e-book is
slightly edited (I was deeply frustrated by this, but after reading
the Kindle edition, I have to agree that the flow is improved by the
minor changes and shuffling). However you can get hold of this
book, do it. You probably won't regret it.
This
closes out my first Top 10 List of the Falloween Season. Stay Tuned
for further entries – for me, Halloween begins on October 31st,
but it doesn't end until I run out of candy or until halfway between
the 31st
and Thanksgiving. That still leaves over 7 days in which to devour
your sweets, your books, games, tv, movies, and music.
Go
forth and enjoy
things!
You are a fine writer! A great list.
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