FALLOWEEN
DAY 2: MOVIES
So
last time, I ranted about books. Today, I want to discuss one of my
friends and his obsession. The friend is the indomitable Doktor Zall
(name changed somewhat to protect the... whatever he is ;) ) and his
obsession is film. Specifically movies.
Now,
anyone who knows me knows that the Filthy Casual brings the Casual
into any and every endeavor. I am this way with movies, too. I also
have the memory of a geriatric stoner, so bear in mind that I haven't
seen these movies since they were screened in the Dread Caverns of
Doktor Zall from his Film Library of Madness (cue evil laughter).
Anything I say may be out of context or mixed up.
All
the factual stuff comes straight off of IMDB, since I'm even casual
about research. Preach.
#10:
The Devils;
Directed by Ken Russel; Starring Vanessa Redgrave, Oliver Reed,
Dudley Sutton; Based on the Play by John Whiting; Screenplay by Ken
Russell; Russo Productions, Warner Releasing; 16 July 1971, USA.
This
movie is about one of the bloodiest periods in French Catholocism,
and one of the first things I can tell you about it is this: There
are no supernatural elements to this. None. The horror is strictly
of the realistic variety. It even opens with the Plague.
Things
get worse from there.
Somehow
there's a love story.
A
crucifix gets molested by desperate nuns who just don't want to be
murdered horrifically.
The
Sun King himself is a narcissistic monster who wants to rule with
impunity.
This
movie is incredibly hard to watch, but the less I say about it, the
more I want to watch it again. Yes, even the part where Father
Grandier, the male protagonist, undergoes the Inquisition. Yeah.
It's hard to watch.
It
was honestly one of the most difficult movies I watched over at the
Good Doktor's Film Emporium, and the fact that it made me laugh at
times (intentionally, the beast,) only made it more disturbing to me.
If
you can stand to watch a period-accurate movie in which Protestants
are murdered horrifically, women are sexually abused, and the Church
is not made to look particularly good, then you should watch this.
Even
if you don't think you can stand it, watch it anyway. It's powerful.
#9:
Captain Kronos –
Vampire Hunter;
Directed by Brian Clemens; Starring Horst Janson, John Carson, Shane
Briant; Written by Brian Clemens; Hammer Films; 7 April 1974, UK.
Oh
this movie...
Why
was it not a series? It should have been a series! It's fan-fucking
tastic! Amazing! All of the stars in the universe, and the universe
is infinite! (Okay, the universe isn't really infinite, according to
some scientists, but you get the point, this movie is awesome.)
This
is a Hammer film – complete with red-paint blood, bizarre
misconstructions of supernatural lore, and
better-than-it-has-any-right-to-be acting.
Captain
Kronos is, as the film indicates, a vampire-hunter. He comes to a
small village where several girls have been drained, not of blood,
but of their youth! The dashing Captain must defeat this strange new
kind of vampire and save the village. It also clearly sets itself up
for sequels or a tv-series – both of which I would have devoured as
fully as I do with Kolchak or the X-Files. I love this!
So
why did a movie I love so much, with clear intentions to become a new
series, never take off? Several reasons: 1 – it was 1974. 2 –
Hammer was going under, if I remember correctly. The Good Doktor can
always correct me if I'm wrong (and I'm sure he will).
Go
find this film – sell your firstborn if you must, just find it!
Don't
sell your firstborn. I'm joking. Are you nuts?! Why would you
believe me! I'm a half-assed reviewer on the internet! You should
trust my opinions, yes, but never, ever do as I tell you when it
comes to other people, health, etc. :P
#8:
The Woman in
Black;
Directed by Herbert Wise; Starring Adrian Rawlins, Bernard Hepton,
David Daker; Written by Nigel Kneale, based on the book by Susan
Hill; Capglobe, Central Films Ltd, Cintral Independent Television; 24
December 1989; UK.
So,
do you remember that one line in the Christmas Song, the one everyone
calls “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”? The line says
“There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago”?
That's
because in England, they tell ghost stories on Christmas. It's why
there's ghosts in A
Christmas Carol.
It's also why, every year, Britain shows a ghost movie on Christmas.
In
this particular ghost story, an old woman dies in an old house and a
lawyer has to go settle her affairs. Sounds simple enough, yeah?
It's
not.
See,
there's an old woman in black who keeps appearing on the periphery of
his vision, and no one will acknowledge her existence or even let him
know he's not crazy! Worse: every time she appears, someone gets
hurt – almost always children. Our protagonist? A father. Not a
particularly good or devoted father, but he tries. He guesses.
Also,
this is not the Daniel Radcliffe one from a while back. This does
not have a happy conclusion. No one gets away happy in this.
Nothing is resolved, no evils put to right. It's not something to
show the kiddies to tell them “it's okay, nothing bad ever really
happens!” This is the movie you show them to let them know that
everything ends, and usually horribly.
By
the way, this movie, while made for television, is better shot,
directed, and acted than probably 80% of the modern movies I've
watched in the last five years. Oh, and the guy who plays the kid in
this version? He's the same guy who would grow up to play James
Potter, father of the Boy Who Lived. Who's actor went on to play the
father of the character whose actor would grow up to be the father of
his character. Confused yet?
Good!
#7:
The Devil Rides
Out;
Directed by Terence Fisher; Screenplay by Richard Matheson, based on
the novel by Dennis Wheatley; Starring Christopher Lee, Charles Gray,
Nike Arrighi; Associated British-Pathé,
Hammer Films, Seven Arts Pictures, et al; 20 July 1968; UK.
You
read that right – Christopher motherfucking Lee.
This
is the movie we watched after that legend passed. We watched a movie
where he fights Satan.
Yeah.
He kinda pwns.
Interestingly
enough, this is the second film on the list with an evil Richelau in
it – the first being The
Devils.
One of the main characters is also named Van Ryn, which phonetically
connects him both to the painter, Rembrandt, and the astronomer (both
of these tie in with the movie, subtly, if you know what to look
for).
In
this film, a young man gets caught up in a Satanic cult and
Christopher Lee's character has to try to pull him out. This is the
rare film where Christopher Lee isn't
trying to rip someone's throat out. He's trying to prevent
the throat-ripping. Lee is amazing in this movie, going from
indignant to terrified to exhausted in the span of seconds with nary
a pause in his wonderful diction. He was a true master.
If
you wanna watch Saruman beat the shit outta Old Scratch himself, this
is a great movie for that.
Also,
there's some awesome practical effects, and the designs they have for
the demons and the Prince of Darkness are amazing.
#6:
Monster Squad;
Directed by Fred Dekker; Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker;
Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht; HBO, Keith Barish
Productions, TAFT Entertainment Pictures, et al; 14 August 1987; USA.
Dracula
has decided to take over the world. He assembles a crack team of the
Frankenstein monster, a walking mummy, a werewolf, and a fishman who
I think is
supposed to be my favorite monster ever, the Gillman from Creature
of the Black Lagoon.
In the face of this confederation of evil, who can mankind rely on?
Apparently
a group of dorky kids in a clubhouse.
This
movie contains no names I recognize. It contains no monster designs
I recognize past Dracula and the linen-wrapped Mummy (who I now
continuously call the Yeti throughout the movie because of WCW).
What it does contain is entertainment value!
Holy
shit, it's so satisfying watching these brats obliterate monsters.
One of them, who reminds me of Chunk from The
Goonies,
(I think it's that one, it's been about a year, my brain doesn't even
hold onto breakfast, thanks) even winds up crotching the wolf-man.
“Wolfman's
got nards!”
Go
watch this movie. It's a guarenteed good time.
I
cannot stand behind my guarantees, since they are based on opinion,
not fact. You might not like things. I can't help it if you have
bad taste. :P
#5:
Nosferatu; Directed by F. W. Murnau; Screenplay by Henrik Galeen,
based on the novel Dracula
by Bram Stoker; Starring Max Schreck, Greta Schröder,
Ruth Landshoff; Jofa-Atelier Berlin-Johannisthal, Prana-Film GmbH; 3
June 1929 (USA); Germany
Who
gives a shit about Dracula
when you can have the truly unsettling Nosferatu?
This
silent film was created when no one gave a shit about copyright. In
fact, it nearly didn't survive not giving a shit about copyright –
every copy was ordered burned. Somehow, at least one copy survived
the legal purge (brought on by the incredibly cheesed-off Bram Stoker
estate, who didn't approve the film and were quite upset that it had
been making money without giving them any in return, or, indeed, even
asking permission!), and from these sources, the modern cut of
Nosferatu rose, Vampire-like, from the dead.
The
version I like best, which is also the version I own, is the one with
music by The Devil's Music Ensemble. The SO and I have been to a few
of their shows, Nosferatu,
Red Heroine,
and maybe one more? My memory – so bad.
Regardless,
this is basically creepy, silent, German Expressionist Dracula –
but it does have some differences. The ending, especially, is
changed from the original!
If
you like to be creeped out by scary-looking fellas, this is the film
for you. Max Schreck, despite being, by all accounts, a wonderful
human being, is truly uncomfortable to look at, and none of the
lankiness of his limbs and digits, none of the long and cadaverous
appearance of his face, none
of that is a makup effect – that's 100% what he looked like.
Nice
man.
#4:
Evil Dead II;
Directed by Sam Raimi; Written by Sam Raimi and Scott Spiegel;
Starring Bruce Campbell, Sarah Berry, Dan Hicks; De Laurentiis
Entertainment Group (DEG), Renaissance Pictures; 13 March 1987; USA.
Evil
Dead II
is just Evil
Dead
with different characters and a weirder ending. Seriously, that's
exactly what I've heard people who
worked on the film
call it. That's fine – it's better shot, better lit, has better
effects, and Bruce Campbell is on his
lovable-doofus-who-may-actually-be-utterly-insane A-Game. It's a fun
flick, though it's unintentionally disgusting on occasion. Ted Raimi
has sweat pouring out of the ear of one of his full-body prosthetics
at one point. It's just nasty. And awesome.
Plenty
of pratfalls, lots of creepy atmosphere, and excellent practical
effects abound. Watch this!
#3:
Creature from
the Black Lagoon;
Directed by Jack Arnold; Written by Harry Essex, Arthur A. Ross;
Starring Richard Carlson, Julie Adams, Richard Denning; Universal
International Pictures; 5 March 1954; USA.
Doktor
Zall's indomitable parent will not permit me to watch this set of
films at the Emporium. Apparently, said parent lived near where the
sequels occurred and was terrified by them. I love this parent like
one of my own. I love the Gillman design. I still don't understand
how anyone could actually be afraid of it.
The
Gillman is a fish-person who lived in a secluded lagoon deep in the
Amazon. Then the white man came and made him into a killing machine.
For some reason, it wants that white-girl booty. In the
long-running tradition of Universal Monsters, white girls are
monster-nip in these movies. I don't believe that a single woman was
actually harmed by the creature – it's only men. Usually the South
American hired help. Totes not racist guys. Totes.
I
love this design – it looks great, the suit moves (in the first
film, at least) with the actor wearing it, and it holds up well under
the constant motion. Unfortunately for said actor, it was nearly
fatal to do the underwater scenes, since they had no way of giving
him air without spoiling the look. This is a movie which nearly
killed its actor. Holy crap.
The
sequels, while snappier in pace from the original, are nowhere nearly
as well-written. The second movie is slightly better (and has the
Creature raiding a crab-shack and terrorizing tourists in Florida),
but the third... oh The
Creature Walks Among Us,
you had such potential and you wasted it all on a shitty redesign and
truly wretched lines about Jungles and Stars...
Still,
give these a watch for some man-fish fun!
#2:
Night of the
Hunter;
Directed by Charles Laughton, Robert Mitchum; Screenplay by James
Agee, based on the novel by Davis Grubb; Starring Robert Mitchum,
Shelley Winters, Lillian Gish; Paul Gregory Productions; 24 November
1955; Argentina.
This
movie gave me nightmares for a week, and there is, again, nothing
supernatural or unrealistic about it. This is a movie that could
happen next
fucking week,
and no one would bat an eyelash, despite how horrible the events are.
It
goes like this: Man stealls $10k and kills two cops or guards, gets
captured after hiding the money and making his children promise never
to tell anyone –
even their mother – where it is, man shares a cell before his
execution with a con-man/murderer who finds out about the missing
money and escapes, con man tracks down thief's wife and seduces her
despite her not knowing where the money is, con man murders wife and
proceeds to spend the rest of the movie chasing the terrified
children across the southern US.
Robert
Mitchum's performance as deranged con man Harry Powell is so superb
that it gives me chills to even think of it. He professes that he is
a holy man, and the most terrifying part is that the character seems
to believe that God (or who/whatever) truly wants him to go out and
murder widows and old maids for their money. At one point, he lets
out a howl that made me shrink back into the Emporium couch with a
barely-audible whimper.
By
the end of the film, I feard that I'd need to go to the hospital, my
heart was pounding so hard.
If
you have a heart condition, perhaps give this one a pass. It's
supremely intense.
#1:
House II: The
Second Story;
Directed by Ethan Wiley; Written by Ethan Wiley, inspired by an
original story by Fred Dekker; Starring Arye Gross, Jonathan Stark,
Royal Dano; New World Pictures, Sean S. Cunningham Films; 28 August
1987; USA.
Oh
House II,
I had nearly forgot thee...
Until
I went over to the Emporium and mentioned to the Good Doktor and my
SO that I seemed to recall a film about a weird house where zombie
cowboys fought on a dinner table, a weird caterpillar-pug wandered
the kitchen cupboards, and John Ratzenberger played an electrician
who was surprised by none of this.
Their
response was that House
II had
not, in fact, been a fever dream from that time I stayed home with
Influenza for a week. It was real, and they intended to rewatch it.
I
want to watch this movie every year. I want to watch it maybe every
month. It's not good, it's not well-made, it's utterly bullshit, but
dammit, it's fun
as fuck!
Seriously,
though, that this movie made such an impression on me is no surprise
– I have a deep-seated horror of zombies and ghosts. This movie
had both – a zombie and a zombie-ghost. I barely remembered it, my
mind trying to block the image of the juicy corpse of Slim Razor
rising through the crown roast from memory.
Also,
there's a character named Virgin. She's a virgin sacrifice.
Watch
the movie!
That
about does it for me for now – maybe I'll do one more list, this
time on Halloween-ish television?
We'll
see :)
Go
out and enjoy something!
FC
