W - Wrestlemania 30! (SPOILERS)

WRESTLEMANIA 30 SPOILERS:

I know, you're expecting a game review, but this is important to me. If you're not into pro-wrestling, wait for my upcoming Enchanted Cave review. Also: TONS of F-bombs here. Enjoy?

***

I got so freaking sick of the storyline leading to the HHH vs Bryan match that I was utterly cynical about the whole Mania, leading to much amusement from the Thai-Bringer. I am pleased to announce that the cynicism appears to have been largely unfounded.

The opening notes of the Mania, despite being tainted by more shitty Kid Rock music, were amazing. Hulk Hogan coming out to some interest, his lemon yellow and wild-cherry red boa concealing his sagging, sun-afflicted skin was... uninspiring, really, but then a miracle: shattering glass and crunchy guitars - The Texas Rattlesnake himself! STONE COLD! MA GAWD! And then!!! FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK! I was well pleased.

While I was surprised by the Streak breaking, it seemed to break the Thai-Bringer's brain - he had a "does not compute" look on his face for a good 20 seconds. Still, it's truly the end of an era - Paul Bearer is gone, Kane is unmasked, and Undertaker is no longer undefeated. It was an amazing moment to be a part of. The match itself? Kinda... bad, really. I am anything but a Lesnar fan, so... watching him land so many weird-looking (read “visibly botched, even to an amateur viewer like me”) suplexes on Undertaker's hip and side, which I know are fucked beyond belief, was not fun. At all. Taker was surprisingly good, considering that he debuted around the time I was born. Christ. What a career!

As for the rest of the card? The Andre Invitational had to end with a Giant vs Giant-Killer finish. The Divas match was... really hard to watch. I despise the fake-looking belt, the boring, poorly-trained "Divas" (with notable exceptions being Natalya, Emma, and of course, the incomparable AJ Lee), and the fact that there aren't enough real challengers to Lee or Natalya or Emma to make any match really tough to call/enjoyable to watch. Can we please get Aksana out of the damn ring before she causes a fatality?

Divas rant concluded, I still think that the Kofi spot was one of my favorite moments of the Andre Invitational. And that the Slam City Promo is one of my favorite things ever (Hacksaw vs Slaughter, Steamboat, and the Million Dollar Man himself!).

Cena vs Wyatt kept me guessing. Cena had energy, which was a shock to someone like me, who has only seen Captain Thuganomics in gassy, chest-heaving "action" (with few exceptions). Tonight, he was on fire. Not literally, that would have ended the match much earlier. Instead, he and Bray Wyatt had an absolutely riveting match that I think will stick in my mind. I never, ever thought I could say that about a match featuring John Cena.

HHH vs Bryan - oh my fuck. I was half-convinced that HHH would make WM 30 his comeback. He'd fuck Bryan out of the belt and the headlines tomorrow would read "75'000 Indicted on Murder Charge as Wrestlemania Crowd Storms Ring in Protest". Instead, we got a match where Bryan carries an exhausted HHH to a finish that is quickly muddled with bitchy, whiny HHH and screechy, whiny Steph (both of whom I despise as characters, as I'm supposed to, but it's still “Shut Up and Go Home” Heat, as the Thai-Bringer would say) attacking Bryan. Fuck you guys, you've already done this and it was stupid and predictable on RAW. At Wrestlemania, it just makes me question whether you have a fucking death wish.

(EDIT: I can't believe I forgot to mention the triumphant return of Bootleg Conan HHH!  Holy fuck was I shocked to see that elaborate throne, complete with scantily clad women and skull-crown!  I was simultaneously awed and appalled by this - it seemed to me to be a harbinger of HHH's return to the ring.  Never have I been happier to be wrong.  Now, if only he came out to belly-dancers and pyro every time he got up to make a speech on RAW...)

The main event had me gritting my teeth long before I even knew I'd be watching Wrestlemania. I don't care about Batista. He is, in my opinion, an unenjoyable performer. Outside the ring? Oh, I love him. He's hilarious, and he was made to be a Heel. Orton is a wrestler I have issues with. He's often put up against people who can't or won't work with him, he's made to seem weak or cowardly at every opportunity, spending much of this year's storyline basically being HHH's pet. Also, I hate that he continues the horrific trend of NOT WEARING PANTS. Put some pants on, wrestlers. You look like morons in your undies. Yes, even you, Daniel Bryan. Even you.

My fuck, the sheer volume and energy of the crowd for everything relating to Daniel Bryan carried much of that main event. As I've said, I don't like Batista as a wrestler at all, and when he's “working” with Orton? Snore. Adding in Daniel Bryan was the only way WWE could have saved that match from becoming a piss-break match. When the GOAT (one of Bryan's nicknames) came into the ring, still exhausted and injured from his bout with HHH, I could tell the match would be bloody. And it was. By accident.

I'm just gonna say this: Monitors, guys. Fucking monitors. Ouch.

So, I'm gonna say that the end, with Daniel Bryan finally coming out on top, victorious and beaming and overcome with emotion while the air fills with confetti and smoke and pyro and the deafening “YES! YES! YES!” of 75'000+ people in the New Orleans Superdome? That's gonna stay with me forever.

YES! YES! YES! YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES! YES! YES! YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!