Filmic Friday 7

Movie: Rampage

Format: DVD/BluRay

We did not have movie night this past week, since the awesome friends whose house we have movie night at were at an awesome film festival. Fear not, however, because Wrestling-Friendo had us over that Wednesday. His internet was the dead so we wound up watching a movie he and his lady had picked up.

That movie was Rampage.

Guys. Rampage is hilarious.

The Rock is the least believable primatologist on the planet. Somehow, he’s even less believable than Tara Reid as an “archaeolologist, haaaanh?!” (if you don’t get that reference, do not worry. You’re not missing out). Basically, the movie reads like the creators saw King Kong and the trailer for Jurassic World and thought “Why don’t we make a movie where a monkey fights dinosaurs!” But they had no money so they had to use the license for the Rampage games.

But that makes the movie better.

Now, you’re probably wondering what the story for Rampage is. So am I, to be honest, because there wasn’t much of a plot. The Rock is taking care of George the blond gorilla who is basically like Koko’s shithead brother and who loves to flip people off like a McMahon…

See how he holds his hand? Vince McMahon does that. George is the secret McMahon son!

George gets a facefull of gas from a piece of debris from a cool explosion at the beginning of the movie (it was an evil science space station of doom, but we get to see a sweet mutant rat design that the rest of the movie could’ve really used). George goes bananas.

Created by RapidFireSlowMotion on imgur

The movie is made up of three different groups: The Rock & co going after George to make him a good ape again, Jeffrey Dean Morgan stroking his pearl-handled pistol and being a smarmy douchebag who I can’t help but absolutely adore, and some boring evil scientist siblings. The only good thing about the third part is…

SPOILER ALERT

EAT THE COOKIE

The best part was that it was terrible slow-mo cg, so you could see that it was matted and greenscreened horribly.

For the most part, though, the cg is pretty good. George is fluffy and expressive, and he’s literally the only character with any sort of pathos.

I still didn’t really care when he died.

You may be wondering why I’m not talking about the other two – Ralph the wolf and the Alligator. That’s because the wolf and the gator are barely in the movie. There’s a quick scene near the beginning where the wolf huffs the evil gas and the gator eats the canister, but they’re over with in seconds. The gator doesn’t show up again until the third act. Ralph has much more screen time, but it’s just about as useless as a screen door in a submarine, though infinitely less stressful. I mean, he’s eating a bus full of people at one point and I didn’t care.

"Of course the wolf can fly" = a stupid line when you're about to get EATEN, Dwayne...

Why did we not get more time with such an awesome creature design?! Look at the Murdergator!!!

How do you make me not care about Ralph?! I had the damn three wolf moon shirt as a kid! (RIP three wolf moon shirt) Wolves were my favorite animals for a while!

But that’s just it:

I didn’t care about anyone or anything in this movie.

That hasn’t happened in years. I cared what happened to Captain America in the Reb Brown movie (mostly because it was hilarious). I cared what happened to Robert Zdar in Pocket Ninjas (because he looked so happy!). I cared about Jaws in Moonraker (again, so happy!).

I didn’t care about the Rock’s character (who, of course, turned out to also be ex-special-forces… big surprise), or George, or Ralph, or any of the scientist characters. I liked JDM’s character, but that’s because he can do anything, from what I’ve seen, and make it worth seeing. But he’s basically just a plot device like everyone else.

The only character besides JDM who I gave a single crap about was the scientist lady from the beginning. She did not deserve to die.

RIP blond scientist lady. Google image search had no idea what I was looking for.

I guess that’s just the way it is with this movie. It doesn’t care about any of the people, so you shouldn’t either.

Don’t miss it, though! If you need some mindless explosions and a gorilla with a crude sense of humor, you should watch Rampage! Those explosions are awesome.

A Gorilla’s Middle Finger/10

Go Enjoy Something!
FC

Here's a bonus JDM for the heck of it:

Again, most pics were found on Google

also here:

http://www.thelastthingisee.com/2018/04/rampage-2018-movie-review.html