Wednesdaymania 4: Kurt Angle

I’ve been considering this for a while, but this week I would like to spotlight a wrestler. Since it’s American Independence Day, I figured it’d be wise to discuss a wrestler who has/had a patriotic gimmick, and since I don’t know that much about (and haven’t seen many matches with) Del Wilkes beyond his old (and shocking) drug habits (how is the man even alive), I’m going to go with someone who, somehow, is still wrestling.

That someone is Kurt friggin Angle.

He was a baby at this point, guys.

Kurt Angle is special among professional wrestlers in that his gimmick started out as just himself – an Olympic medalist in amateur wrestling. He came out in his US-themed singlet, he used a mouthguard in a time when no one else seemed to, and he suplexed people into the frigging sun. Seriously, he was the human suplex machine long before Brock Lesnar.

That is a six foot tall, 237lb man lifting a 6'2", 248lb man like he's nothing.

While he debuted as a Face (good guy), it was pretty funny how quickly everyone realized that all-American characters were really obnoxious and turned on him. While he was rocketed onto the main roster with mere days of training, he took to the crowd hazing and became a truly legendary Heel (bad guy). While some wrestlers might fight the crowd, disagreeing with them or turning into a comically evil person, Angle went the exact other way – he upped his baby-faced good boy attitude and played oblivious.

Kurt suffered a broken neck while wrestling even before he went pro, so watching him take moves can be terrifying, but somehow, he’s still going strong. He did end up leaving WWE in 2006 because he was working hurt too often, but then he immediately joined TNA, so… not gonna touch that one. The man held gold in every company he worked for. It’s like the second he touched the gold in the Olympics, he became addicted (and I’m pretty sure that there was more actual gold in the wrestling belts than in his medal) because we’re talking gold in the ‘96 Olympics and ‘95 World Championships for amateur wrestling, and a long list of championships in wrestling.

IWGP Third Belt Title x1 (June 29, 2007 – February 17, 2008)

NWA World Heavyweight Title x1 (May 13, 2007 - Vacated)

TNA World Heavyweight Title x5 (June 17, 2007 – October 14, 2007; October 15, 2007 – April 13, 2008; June 21, 2009 – September 20, 2009; August 7, 2011 – October 17, 2011; January 31, 2015 – June 25, 2015)

TNA World World Tag Team Titles x2 (July 15, 2007 – September 9, 2007; June 10, 2012 – June 28, 2012)

TNA X-Division Title x1 (July 15, 2007 – September 9, 2007)

WCW World Heavyweight Title x1 (July 24, 2001 – July 30, 2001)

WCW United States Title x1 (October 22, 2001 – November 12, 2001)

WWE Championship x2 (December 15, 2002 – March 30, 2003; July 27, 2003 – September 16, 2003)

WWE Tag Team Champion x1 (October 20, 2002 – November 5, 2002)

WWE World Heavyweight Championship x1 (January 10, 2006 – April 2, 2006)

WWF European Title x1 (February 8, 2000 – April 2, 2000)

WWF Hardcore Title x1 (September 10, 2001 – September 10, 2001)

WWF Intercontinental Title x1 (February 27, 2000 – April 2, 2000

WWF World Heavyweight Title x2 (October 22, 2000 – September 23, 2001)

Total Belt Count: 21

I wish I could say that my favorite match of his was one of his submission-based matches against a spectacular foe like Shinsuke Nakamura or Brock Lesnar, but I actually like the most terrifying match he had.

The one where he almost killed Shane McMahon.

His boss's son.

The glass did *not* shatter the first couple times they tried this. Shane's forehead wound up looking like hamburger.

If you want that one, just check out King of the Ring 2001. It lasts almost a half hour. Owwwwwww.

During his current run in WWE, he’s living out a joke that pretty much everyone who was watching NXT was making at the debut of American Alpha. He’s pretending to be Jason Jordan’s father. Why is this funny? Because Jason Jordan has the same effortless amateur style as Kurt Angle. Also this:

Pretty close, yeah?

Unfortunately, WWE doesn’t have a sense of proportion with the joke and made it like something on a cut-rate soap opera, rather than something humerous…

Speaking of things that aren’t funny, if the 1996 Olympics sound familiar for some reason, then congratulations! You probably saw Foxcatcher and you know why I’m not devoting more time to the topic. We had depression hour last week. Not today, guys. Not today.

(For those not in the know, Kurt Angle was trained by Dave Schultz, who was murdered by the now infamous John du Pont. It was not a good. It was very not a good.)

So instead of leaving you on such a terrible note, I think I’ll leave you off now with a (hopefully embedded) video of Kurt’s theme song “Medal”. Which was apparently one of Sgt. Slaughter’s themes.

I should do a Wednesdaymania on Sgt Slaughter… and one on the Iron Sheik… Yeah…

It's true, it's damn true...

Go out and enjoy something!
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