Filmic Friday 4: Pocket Ninjas

Title: Pocket Ninjas

Director: Dave Eddy

Date: 1997

Format: DVD? VHS? I think it was actually the world's worst DVD...

What even the heck was Pocket Ninjas.

None of this happened in the movie. They're normal kid sized. There are no props like this. Liars.

No, seriously, I don’t know what that was. It wasn’t a movie, that’s for sure. It made no damn sense and… wait…

Isn’t that the main actor from Fist of the North Star?!

Yeah, I think that's him...

Yup. Same guy.

And that’s Robert Zdar! He looks so happy! (Glad someone was...)

Annnnnnnd it's from one of the Zen Filmmakers as director.

That explains a lot.

If you want a better explanation than “they just suck and they made actors pay them to be in garbage,” then Google is your friend. I won’t waste my fingers trying to explain. Zen Film is stupid. And it sucks.

So, this movie, from what I could tell, was basically what would happen if Bulk and Skull were to make their own Power Rangers episode. It makes no sense, the characters are all rock stupid, and nothing is accomplished.

We were left with every interrogative echoing around the room by the end credits of this… thing. What had we just watched? Why were children suddenly ninjas in bad masks, and why was the main villain about 8 years old and one of two Asian actors, both of whom were villains? Who would even watch this, willingly? Where is the lighter so we can burn this? How did the girl character get her mask when they basically told us she couldn’t?

Wordless screaming was had by all.

Just so you don’t think I’m lying that a movie so bad I won’t review it exists, I present to you the IMDB page for Pocket Ninjas..

Which seemed to be about kids making shit up in a tree house about how they were all kung fu masters taking on a kid whose gang was being used to dump toxic waste and whose dad was Robert Zdar. There was a VR combat scene. Somehow that wasn’t the dumb part…

Right. Just go out and Enjoy something.

It won’t be a Zen Film.

They cannot be enjoyed.

FC