Talk About Tuesday 327: Keys Spider Doors and Pizza

In Which I Derp

Today was a fairly good day, high in the upper 70s (~25℃), partly to mostly cloudy, breezy, but humid as heck. All in all, a very good day to be productive with my partner in the Writing Camper. But as often happens, I managed to botch things in a new and surprising way.

It's been about a decade since the last time I was locked out of my house, but I made 2 fatal errors today:

1) I left my keys upstairs in my bedroom instead of bringing them out with me, and

2) I neglected to mention that our door sometimes decides it wants to be locked if you turn the knob all the way.

At some point during a bathroom break, the handle got turned all the way around and the door locked. No problem, right? Just have someone else unlock the door!

Everyone was out of town.

My keys, as I mentioned, were far beyond my reach.

So I tried everything I could think of to get inside.

I should mention that I was in a semi-panic because of a few reasons:

1) It looked like it could rain any minute, and I don't trust the 1997 pop-up camper with tarps bungied over the canvases because they're rotted.

2) We'd just eaten a very beautifully cooked Philly Steak & Cheese pizza from Dominos and the American cheese was doing terrific things to our innards that required speedy resolution.

3) I hate looking like an idiot in front of my partner.

So I probably looked like I was breaking into my own home for the better part of a half an hour. I went from door to door, opened the bulkheads, but no dice. I couldn't open a screen. My folks were over 40 miles away having a nice dinner with one of my siblings. That pizza wanted out.

So I tried all the doors again. This time, I grabbed the sickle from the toolshed and used it to cut the rope that holds the front door shut (the screen door slaps open with a stiff breeze, I should get on that).

But no, the front door, a steel behemoth as old as me, was firmly locked.

While I congratulated my family on their security, I also really needed to poop.

So I went back to the bulkhead doors.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a horror of spiders. It's a reflexive fear, but one I can manage if I need to and have space. The bulkhead doors are a literal nesting ground for arachnids.

Why was I going back to the cellar?

Because once upon a time, my father really had to take a dump and had become locked out in much the same way I had, so he had figured out a way to bypass the hefty frost door we installed. Five minutes and much grunting later, I was back inside and hastily shutting the spider doors so that my cat couldn't escape. I repaired the minor damage I'd had to cause to the frost door, and thus was able to unlock the door from the inside so that we could finally, finally purge the American scourge.

Morals:

1) Always remember your keys even if you aren't wearing anything with pockets (which is why I'd left mine inside)

2) If you're going to eat Philly Cheese Steak Pizza, make sure you have access to a bathroom.

3) Have a dad who's really determined to poop in a toilet, rather than try to defecate in the bushes or the woods...

So I'll never be leaving my keys inside while I'm outside again.

Also, I need to remember to put the sickle back tomorrow.

And I probably need better neighbors because I was literally marching around my house, talking to myself, clearly trying to get inside, carrying a freaking sickle, like, the things peasants used to use to harvest wheat, and NOBODY ASKED ANY QUESTIONS.

There were probably a dozen people out there for a birthday party across the street and not a glance was spared us lol.

Probably for the best - it would be difficult to explain that I was under the influence of Dominos and just wanted to go inside my own home.

Which I couldn't have proved it *was* my home.

Because guess what? I also left  my wallet and ID inside.

:|

Still, all's well that ends well, and my home is once again secure.

Also, I managed to write about 500 words while we were in the Writing Camper, so it's basically still a win :P

On a less humorous, yet still highly entertaining note, what do you guys know about Scott Joplin? Because I was thinking about the Father of Ragtime a lot today.

As for the blog:

• I may have plans for tomorrow, but I'm not sure yet - wrestling is a bit of a dumpster fire atm
• Thursday will definitely be art!
• Who knows about Friday, but I may have an idea...
• The weekend is very up-for-grabs
• Next Monday I'll show whatever I'm working on lol.
• Next Tuesday, hopefully I won't lock myself out again, but I'll be back to blather.

On that note, I bid you adieu

Go Enjoy Something!

FC