Wednesdaymania 324: COMMISION Great American Bash 2004

The Great American Bash, 2004
Scope Arena, Norfolk, VA

This week I've been commissioned to do a review of the WWE's Great American Bash from 2004.

Let me lead in with this - I don't really watch much from this era. There's not much to hold my attention. I hate the jingoistic bullshit we were lapping up in a post 9/11 world. I don't like how the focus was entirely off of the wrestling and entirely on the (usually pretty racist and sexist) "storylines". I'm not a fan of Thugganomics Cena. I don't like JBL. I am not interested in Sable.

So this was a pretty hard watch for me.

Was the PPV truly awful? No. Let me run it down for you:

The intro is garbage. Hilarious garbage. The kids performing the pledge of allegiance? Yikes. Cena defending his right to whitewash black culture? Yikes. Both yikes elements together? Hilarious… oh yeah, this the one with the horrid cement thing where we could easily have lost Paul Bearer because of a really stupid stunt no one remembers…

John Cena opens with his worst, dumbest theme and the poorest choice of a jersey (Michael Vick) a stupid chain, and a very stupid visor. He looks like, and sounds like, an utter tool. Here are some gems from his monologue, which lasts for an eternity:

• "I’m gonna beat 3 dudes like Kurt Angle’s hand" (hj gesture)
• Calls out RVD on his pot usage, which... fair enough. Dude is always stoned. Always.
• And is disgusting about Booker T, who is already dealing with several manure piles in suits pulling racist shit on him backstage (like Vince and Hunter...)
• Gets gross about Renee about his dancing and loving being surrounded by seamen (navy)

MATCH 1: CENA VS RVD VS RENEE DUPREE VS BOOKER T

• Renee comes out with Fifi, a black poodle. Poor Fifi is terrified.
• Booker T deserved infinitely better. He’s the best guy in this ring, but, spoilers, black guys don’t get ahead in the WWE
• Match starts with punching. I guess it’s the World weak-ass punch Federation.
• Taz is on commentary, and he’s doing alright. I’ll admit, I’m already bored.
• HOORAY WE HAVE OUR FIRST WRESTLING MOVE (nearly a minute 30 in), suplex by dupree vs cena.
• Dupree is the only one wrestling so far. He looks like an extra from FRIENDS.
• Cena did an atomic drop.
• This match suuuuuuuuuuuuucks
• You can smell the Axe body spray from here – this crowd is very 2004
• RVD is stoned – his spatial awareness is off. Dupree is too big to flip to the floor.
• Cena failed to protect RVD from his flip-dive
• Cena is too bulky to do fancy pins on. RVD, obviously stoned, is the only one with any fluidity to his moves.
• Booker looks like he doesn’t even care anymore, but he’s still selling like mad.
• Booker has great chemistry with Dupree, who lands a fantastic slam
• looked like RVD’s frog splash ended with his knees in bookers face
• RVD is selling that 5-star like mad
• Cena sneaks in and eliminates RVD
• Cena is 100% elbows, and that Throwback is not pretty.
• 3 minutes later, Dupree is eliminated
• You can definitely feel the shift in who they’re playing to. This is definitely wrestling for kids.
• Dude in crowd with a fluffy white hat is very distracting
• Cena wins via FU, which feels like an FU.
• That crowd is shockingly white.
• Meh

Sixty replays later, we get a dumb backstage segment with flirtation with Miss Jackie (not to be confused with Jacqueline, a black female wrestler who was better looking and a better wrestler than every other woman on this card) and Kurt Angle introducing Luther Reigns and Charlie Haas from his wheelchair as a mondo heel GM.

There's a moment with Sable in a hot tub being bland and catty. Pretty standard stuff.

MATCH 2: CHARLIE HAAS (W MISS JACKIE) VS LUTHER REIGNS

• Boy, Vince likes the last name Reigns. I guess he just really liked the show Renegade...
• Reigns pushes Kurt’s wheelchair down the ramp like an orderly, Kurt is channeling Don Callis by slapping Luther
• Luther looks like a compressed Kurrgan.
• Oh look, wrestling
• Charlie sells well
• aww, they still think Kurt can’t wrestle anymore
• oof, Charlie lost his brother Ross in 2001. Russ was only 27, but he died of heart failure in his sleep. He’d had a heart attack in September, and he died in December. Oof.
• Kurt looks under the influence
• The match is pretty decent, good emoting from Haas
• Reigns has a toque. It’s supposed to be a mohawk, I’m pretty sure, but he’s losing hair from the top of his head
• Michael Cole Fears Puberty sign lol
• Luther is a decent power guy. Winner.

JBL gives a smarmy bullshit promo bragging about beating Eddie Guerrero, a far better wrestler. I wish they’d fire this jerk. He’s so boring and annoying. It’s not even effective heel work for me, I just don’t like him as a person. He’s also covered in acne. What a loser.

MATCH 3: CHAVO GUERRERO VS FOR REY MYSTERIO CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMP

• Chavo’s music is great
• Love Mysterio, even when he’s got a lil roid belly
• “WINE ME DINE ME 619 ME” sign
• I think this match will be the best one so far
• BRING BACK CHAVO CLASSIC sign
• Taz… doesn’t understand how Rey’s mask works? Thinks he’s mute? But they did commentary together the previous week? WTF?
• Rey’s mask is too loose – he keeps fiddling with it.
• Taz is talking fast, probably because he feels like he has to fill silence or he’ll get let go. He’s so much better on commentary today.
• Taz can’t tell the difference between EDDIE GUERRERO’S COUSIN AND REY MYSTERIO WHAT THE HECK
• Is this ref Charles Robinson? Yes.
• Heckler in the crowd hollering “CHAAAA VOOOOOOO” ugh
• Maybe a knee injury on Rey? No, but it is a great work.
• This is a really good match
• Mysterio wins after a long, hard-fought match. Best match so far!

Oh man, I actually like the Cruiserweights in the hot tub with Torrie lol. They're obviously obsessed with her, trying to vie for her attention, and then she gets up and leaves.

Funaki: “God… bless… America”

MATCH 4: KENZO SUZUKI VS BILLY GUNN

• Suzuki is on a litter accompanied by a geisha named Hiroko? I have no memory of these people…
• This should actually be fun lol.
• Who is Kenzo Suzuki?
  • That’s his name
  • he’s an ex NJPW guy
  • Currently freelance with AJPW
  • Hiroko is actually his wife! And that is… also her name.
  • Oh boy, she’s in a bra & panties match with Torrie./s
  • She was elected to Funabashi city council in 2005 – she appears to be a progressive politician who values education and social welfare. Nice!
• This is a decent match :) Good storytelling in the match. Hiroko is an effective valet
• Suzuki wins

Not much to talk about with the Suzuki/Gunn match (not to be confused with the Suzuki-Gun in NJPW lol), just a really solid enjoyable match.

Which is what makes it stick out like a sore thumb in this PPV lol.

Cut to Paul Bearer, bound and gagged as Heyman taunts him creepily. “I want to hear you scream for the Undertaker as that concrete comes up around your neck...” - an effective promo for a match I'd rather be watching than:

MATCH 5: SABLE VS TORRIE WILSON

• Sable is wearing a weird sequined one-piece in black & red with red fur or maribou around the hood and wrists.
• Torrie is Red, white, & blue in short-shorts and a halter bra with fishnets.
• I’ve never really liked Sable matches, so this will suck.
• Sable’s lazy kicks, three moves and Torrie looks at death’s door
• Women’s wrestling was boring as hell and sloppy to boot
• If guys were this bad they’d be fired.
• Taz: “So, who’s got the blonder hair? Sable, Torrie, or Charles Robinson?” lol
• lol Torrie kicked Sable in the buttcheek
• This match is boring and sloppy, but it’s not as sloppy as most women’s matches I’ve seen from the 00s.
• Sable is still pretty bad – her half-assed launch off the ropes to “collide heads” with Torrie is pretty bad.
• Sable wins, despite there not actually being a pin. Bleh.
• Boring match.

Backstage with Undertaker and his Sara tattoo - great lighting. In the arena, the cement mixer is running.

Backstage, Renee is trying to flirt up a lady backstage Dawn? Some guys I don't recognize come up and flirt her away with jokes about boot size. It’s amazing how many of these guys became nobodies

MATCH 6: MORDECAI VS HARDCORE HOLLY

• Mordecai could’ve been so much more than he was, but boy is the crowd DEAD when he comes out.
• DO YA?! Holly is all business on his way to the ring, instant slap fight
• Hardcore is very unhappy, but when was he ever happy
• Mordecai’s stupid staff is gonna kill someone.
• I usually ignore double axe handles, but… Mordecai puts a lot into them. They may be his best move.
• Mordecai wins a fairly okay match.

Was it the best match on the card? No way. It didn't utterly suck, though, and there was great energy in the ring. Even if both men look like they'd rather be flossing at the dentist's office.

Did we need such a long ad for the Bullrope match? It’s a very simple storyline. JBL is a racist who hates Eddie Guerrero. Eddie will cheat to win. The end. That’s all you need.

MATCH 7: EDDIE GUERRERO VS JBL IN A BULLROPE MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

• This match took way too long
• JBL sucks
• Eddie is a genius in the ring and almost made me care about a bullrope match. Almost.
• What was the point of this match. Just give JBL the belt for his pointless 10 month reign and don't put us through watching him beat Eddie via GM reversal of the Referee's decision.
• Way to undermine your refs.
• Best part of this match was the fact that they put lights on the ring posts.
• JBL bleeds, but it's still boring.
• BORING BORING BORING match.
• Frustrating, too, because every single time Eddie is on the offense you can almost enjoy it. Almost.
• Just a crap match.

DUDLEY BOYS VS UNDERTAKER

• Like the pyro for Undi
• This match will also be stupid
• I’m so bored after the bullcrap reverse decision that I don’t care about this match
• Undertaker’s entrance takes more than 65 seconds, after which, Heyman dumps some cement in Paul’s “crypt”. What a terribly dangerous gimmick.
• Heyman hollering at Undertaker that he's a BAD DOG BAD DOG BAD DOG BAD DOG LAY DOWN! is amazing and is probably one of the best parts of this match, though it's a pretty decent match considering who's wrestling.
• The Concrete is filling up fast lol
• I like Bubba trying to win vs Undertaker and preserving Bearer just a lil longer
• This is way more enjoyable and entertaining than the stupid bullrope match
• Undertaker wins, Heyman threatens Bearer, lightning strikes the cement truck as Heyman approaches
• Undertaker approacheth, but is he to be trusted?
• He kneels, raises his hand, looks up slowly…
• “Paul, I have no other choice. Rest. In. Peeeeeace.”
• AND FREAKIN DROWNS BEARER IN CEMENT LOL
• Why? lol

Overall, I'd give this PPV a 2 out of five. It's only got a couple of good matches, but worse, the whole air of the PPV is the same as the rancidly jingoistic too-cool-for-school garbage as the time it came from. I hated 2004 just living through it, and I'd hoped that maybe wrestling had been an escape, but nope. More of the same crap I would've been trying to avoid - blatantly racist nonsense, jingoistic blather, "patriotism", and bad taste.

How do you make me wish I could forget an Eddie Guerrero match? I love Eddie Guerrero matches!

At least there was Mysterio vs Chavo and Suzuki vs Gunn - those were fun matches :)

I may be biased towards Cruiserweights.

That's because Cruiserweights don't just stand in the middle of the ring gasping for breath like a fresh-caught halibut after one or two sloppy open-handed strikes.

So all in all, not really a PPV you have to go back and watch, and not really all that enjoyable if your tastes are similar to mine. If you thought that the last 5 Undertaker matches (not counting the Graveyard Match, which was basically a short film) were highly stimulating, you'll love this.

I hope you enjoyed this review, and if you feel like watching the PPV on the Network, don't let me stop you. Everyone enjoys wrestling differently and that's a good thing!

Enjoy what you enjoy.

Go Enjoy Something!

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