Filmic Friday 10

Movie: Commando
Format: VHS

The softest R on film.

"Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?"
"That's right, Matrix! You did!"
"I lied."

Jerry Horne!!! Oh, you know he's not gonna make it with a smirk like that...

Oh boy Commando! A movie that expects us to believe that, after showing us that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a child's sole parent, she wouldn't have a thick Austrian accent. Also a movie that believes in a body count to rival that of the most prolific of serial killers (81 by one count). And explosions - so many explosions!

And a guy who looks like the love-child of Robert Zdar and Freddie Mercury in a terribly knit sweater vest.

Who we're supposed to take seriously as a villain...

Freddie Zdar, no! Don't hurt baby Alyssa Milano!

Also, we're supposed to believe Rae Dawn Chong's is legit in love with the frankly psychotic Col. Matrix (Arnie) and not absolutely Stockholmed over the moon. Seriously, he abducts her and tears her top open, but we're supposed to think she honestly believes he's a swell guy.

For the uninitiated, she's Tommy Chong's daughter.

I think I've just given you the best possible rundown of the plot, but here's a more concerted effort (for what it's worth).

Matrix (Arnie) and his daughter (Alyssa Milano) live in the mountains. His old military bros are being picked off one by one by Stereotypical South American Overthrown Dictator (Dan Hedaya) and Freddie Zdar (character name: Bennet, actor: Vernon Wells) has personal beef with Matrix for whatever reason. They steal Milano and send Arnie screaming after him. He kills Jerry Horne from Twin Peaks (the Sully in the quote, played by David Patrick Kelly), he kidnaps Rae Dawn Chong and the two have to go rescue his daughter.

There are fights. There are explosions. The rest of the "plot" is immaterial.

Here's the thing, though: this movie is perfect for groups.

You don't have to pay attention to the plot because it's just Taken with a rocket launcher.
You don't have to pay attention to the one-liners because you cannot understand Arnie anyway.
Character development? Nah. Don't need it.
Explosions & awesome death scenes? Galore.

Perfect Movie Night material.

10/10, would hoot at again.

Now, go out there and Enjoy Something!
FC