Filmic Friday 13

Huh. You'd think for the 13th Friday I'd have a horror movie.

Nope.

I literally forgot what movie we did watch, though, until last night. I was wracking my brain until I remembered that it was another Steven Seagal movie. An early one.

It was Marked for Death.

This... nah, this fits.

I honestly am not sure how to describe this train wreck of a film. We blabbed over the whole thing, much to the annoyance of Tri-Force Friendo. TFF likes to hear the movie and know what's going on. The rest of us had long since given up on logic and plot in Seagal movies. This particular flick is even less coherent than most of his movies, but I'll give it props for the lacking a romantic interest for Seagal (she doesn't even register - I'd totally forgotten her until now, which means she didn't get nekkid). The real female lead is playing his sister.

I think the only boobs we see 100% belong to a woman in the beginning who kills Seagal's bestie after making him think she's an innocent victim.

Here's the basic plot for Marked for Death:

Seagal is a DEA agent who has become disenchanted by the war on drugs. This is the closest Seagal ever comes to being a real person in a role, because I'm pretty sure a lot of DEA agents retire because they're fed up with being footsoldiers in a war that cannot be won while the CIA gets in their way and launders the money they're chasing. There is no CIA involvement in this movie. It'd be so much better if there was.

THEY PUT DANNY TREJO IN THE TRUNK, GUYS!

Instead, we're left with Seagal coming home and getting in a fight with Jamaican drug runner Screwface and his gang. Also, there's a long scene of voodoo rituals and the idea that probably that will be important. It's important. Apparently Screwface (not to be confused with Taserface from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2) is super into voodoo and is supposed to be a voodoo priest or something.

Regardless, Seagal's character is hanging out with his sister and niece when Screwface's men shoot up his house. This leads to the best scene in the movie with the sister character screaming to Seagal in slow-mo while holding the bloodied body of her daughter. I cannot spoil this for you. It's true movie magic.

It shouldn't be funny, but my god, it is. Props to the kid for not laughing her way through the scene!

Seagal now needs his revenge on the entirety of Screwface's gang, so he teams up with KEITH FRICKIN DAVID.

Only I didn't say frickin...

It's only a matter of time before they team up with a cop from Jamaica and track Screwface back to his lair. There are showdowns, Keith David gets wounded, Jamaican cop gets dead (shock). Screwface gets decapitated.

Plot twists occur in the most painfully obvious way possible.

The movie just... ends after they destroy Screwface's empire. We don't get a shot of the kid waking up in the hospital (she didn't die, she's just in a coma), there's no reunion. Keith David isn't put in an ambulance. Seagal doesn't get back with the weird, heavily-accented blond lady who taught him about voodoo. Nothing. Roll credits.

Overall, this was one of the dumbest action movies I've ever seen in my life, but my god, those explosions! And there are multiple dismemberments! It's a riot in a group, so make sure you have your action movie friends with you!

Don't be alarmed, either, if you completely forget this movie. You'd think Keith David, of all people, would be memorable! Unfortunately, this suffers form TV MOVIE SYNDROME - you know you've seen it, but heck if you remember it.

Regardless, do watch.

Go Enjoy Something!
FC

I'll fully admit to sniping photos from this guy - you should read his blog.
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