Wednesdaymania 15

WARNING: TODAY'S BLOG IS GOING TO BE GRAPHIC AND UPSETTING TO SOME.
To others, it'll just be another wrestling blog...

I am going to talk about Jeff Hardy vs Randy Orton at Hell In A Cell, but I've got a question, too.

This match was good, but... geez, guys!

Today I'm going to ask you guys a question:

How far is too far?

The reason I'm asking this is that, sometimes, a wrestler does something that makes me go "what the heck are you doing? NO! DO NOT DO THAT!" And sometimes something happens by accident that makes me say "Stoooooooooooooooooop this match! This may end with a death! My God!"

Some examples of this are the time Vader fought Stan Hanson in Japan and Stan accidentally knocked Vader's eye out with a bull rope!

*wordless screaming*

Now, thankfully, Vader had a great sense of humor about the time he had to press his own eyeball back into its socket in a match, but that's not always the case.

Not everyone can have such good fortune in the face of body horror, after all!

Now, a little blood now and then is kind of normal for wrestling - blading is a time-honored tradition, after all. Adding some blood to a match can increase the intensity for the crowd, which means that more people might pay to watch next time.

Sometimes it goes too far, but that's actually a story for another time. All I can say is this: if you need to blade, A) don't get the guy who hates entitled white boys to do it for you, B) don't forget to hydrate before the match, C) don't go crazy and open yourself up from scalp to scapula.

Sometimes an in-ring injury is an absolute accident - a fluke. That's what happened to Sid Vicious (Sid Justice? The guy's name is hard to get right, since it's got more acceptable spellings and changes than math has ways to screw me up. That's a lot of ways, guys.)

Cue the repeated chant of "no, no, no, no"

This happened completely by accident, and not only did it bung up Sid's wrestling career for a long while, it also kept him out of his softball career, and that sucks. For him. I mean, having your leg snap in half during an untelevised moment in front of a bunch of strangers has to suck in general, but knowing that everything you do for fun and money depends on that leg? Atrocious.

I don't believe that one was anyone's direct fault, though. There are conflicting reports.

As for semi-intentional injuries that may have gone too far, that's kind of a hallmark of the Hell In A Cell match. Especially for one Mick Foley. See, Foley vs Undertaker at Hell In A Cell is maybe not the best match to show an initiate into wrestling - it's a pretty decent Pay-Per-View, but... well...

Foley's fall from the top of the cell because the top gave away during a chokeslam is legendary. Undertaker thought he'd killed Mick. That's why he's staring down at the ring. That's not self-satisfaction. That's artfully concealed horror. Undertaker thought he'd been made a murderer.

Then Foley got up and blew his tooth out of his nose.

Foley is amazing. I hope he stops with this in-ring bullshit, though. It's literally killing him.

At one point, the announcers (JR, actually!) say that Foley is smiling at the pain. That's not accurate, though it sure looks like it. Actually, Foley was trying to put his tongue through his lip where he could feel a hole. And it was perforated all the way through. It's a messed up match.

So I tell you all of this and show these awful pictures to you to say this:

Wrestlers get hurt. A lot. And sometimes it's semi-intentional (the choke-slam on top of the cell was intentional, not the fall through).

Sometimes, though, wrestlers do something even freakier.

They willingly sacrifice a part of their body to make their opponent look more dangerous or more amazing.

Now, Matt Hardy has sacrificed his back and hips to the wrestling gods in return for decades of top-rope leg-drops (seriously, his pelvis and spine are fusing - that's one of the reasons he's retiring), and we all know at this point the Stone Cold Steve Austin and Kurt Angle both wrestled with "broken freakin' necks" (they really were broken, guys, that's no gimmick), and we've seen wrestlers bleed buckets.

I've never seen one offer their body in quite the same way that Jeff Hardy offered his at Hell In A Cell.

Now, first off, what the hell, Jeff?!

That is a 41 year old man dangling from the Hell In A Cell just before he puts himself through a goddamn table!

Don't do this. Don't ever, ever, ever do this. Don't land on someone while doing this. Don't not land on someone while doing this. DO NOT land on your face through a table when doing this! DON'T DO THIS!

But this was understandable. The Hardys made a living being thrown through tables. This was one of their specialties. They (presumably) know how to land so that they don't sacrifice their lives. I trust a Hardy with a fall like this, even though I probably shouldn't.

And that was the last move he did. Somehow, something he got back up from was worse, to me.

Because I am not a reviewer fond of body horror.

If the Vader and Sid injuries made you squirm, maybe don't look at the next couple pictures.

It all started with Randy Orton yanking a toolbox out from under the ring to the strangest reaction I've ever heard from a crowd. They were not cheering. They were not booing. They were unnerved.

The groaning and freaking out intensified here.
Randy. What R U Doing?
Randy.
Stahp.

I should mention that Jeff has been gauging his ear lately. He has had a pretty decent sized plug in there before.

Just about as big around as a screwdriver shaft.

Never let it be said that Orton isn't an opportunist.
Or that Jeff isn't utterly bananas.

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!

When we watched this, Z slid off the couch in terror and fascination. I had to look away.

God, just the picture makes me squirm.

Ugh.

Come on, I need to get further down the page so I can't see it anymore!

I can't concentrate with his ear distended like that!

I know that it was bent and distended after the match. They showed it.

I mean, at least he got some revenge in that he beat Randy bloody with parts of his studded belt?

And Randy did lose a chunk of skin off of his leg...

(I can't copy the pics because of Instagram, but here's a link)

Okay, I can't actually see the worst of it now.

It's strange how bloodless injuries can seem somehow worse than the really nasty bloody ones. This made me queasy in a way that Foley's massacred face never has. I mean, most of the blade-jobs I've seen do make me feel ill (because a dehydrated body has thinner blood, apparently...) but this... ugh.

How far is too far?

Was the ear thing too far?

I don't know. All I know is that it was very, very effective. So effective that I have to wonder if this was Jeff's way of telling us that he, too, is ready to go home.

I think that's all for me today.

Go Enjoy Something! Because I feel guilty about spamming you with body horror.
FC