Wednesdaymania 13

I've watched ALL IN about 3 times now. That's twelve hours of wrestling or so. And my god. It's worth the rewatch(es).

ALL IN was, in a word, incredible.

Z & I were fortunate enough to be able to watch it, and (most of) Zero Hour live at our Wrestling Friendos' place, since they picked up an Honor Club subscription (kinda like the WWE Network or New Japan World), which ran the actual PPV. We had to buy-in on that, which was very, very worth while. I feel like I owe them ten bucks to help cover the cost...

Zero Hour, the pre-show, was not included in the Pay-Per-View, so we used our TV-fu to locate WGN (the only channel showing Zero Hour). It was a great, energetic preshow, and that's where they set the tone for ALL IN.

We were late, so we ended up in the middle of the opening match, and since I love me some So-Cal Uncensored (SCU! scu...), it was a treat to watch Frankie Kazarian and Scorpio Sky obliterate the Briscoe Brothers. I'm not a huge fan of the chicken farmers from Delaware, mostly due to their loud and obnoxious homophobia, but even I have to admit that they are superb wrestlers when they're into a match. I've seen some real clunkers from them, though. Sometimes it really feels like the Briscoes don't really want to wrestle anymore. I never get that feeling from SCU.

We missed out on the promo from (and to) Road Warrior Animal and a lot of the pomp & circumstance of the opening.

The main event of the two-match pre-show was, of course, the ALL IN Over Budget 15 Man Battle Royale.

Remember my prediction last week? That a certain ALL OUT gentleman would be the victor somehow? Despite the fact that he had a viewing party to organize and host?

Fourteen men entered the ring with one terrifyingly powerful woman (Jordynne Grace was a BEAST), and most of the match was a blur, but it was fun seeing Hurricane Helms chokeslamming people left & right before fulfilling his destiny as a human missile and flying out of the ring. It was also incredible to see a woman who was all of 5'1" throwing men roughly four times her size around like they were toys.

There has been a running gag on the Being the Elite webseries that Chico El Luchador is going to be in the Battle Royale, and it was pretty clear that he'd win, since Chico never jobs (which means he never loses). So out comes Chico to the ring along with mammoths like Bully Ray (Bubba Ray) Dudley and Brian Cage, and of course he and Jordynne both end up getting KO'd without being sent out over the top rope. Jordynne was one of the final 4 and eliminated Brian Cage, who is an actual behemoth (Six feet tall, almost 270 pounds of pure muscle...). Bully Ray massacred poor Colt Cabana through a table like the monster he is (Colt's okay, kids! He's alright!). And then Chico appears from out of nowhere and sends Bully reeling.

Huh...

Chico has been played by the very Cuban Rocky Romero this whole time.

He sure looked white to me when he stood in the center of that ring.

He reached up and jerked off his mask and I immediately began punching the air and freaking out.

Because I called it!

It was Flip freakin Gordon under that mask!

AND HE CHUCKED BULLY OUT ON HIS BUTT!

Needless to say, I was freaking the heck out - I don't call plot twists like this very often in wrestling, and as we'll see later on, this was a fluke - but man, it was worth being snickered at and told to calm down.

So that concluded Zero Hour.

We, in high spirits, flipped (pardon the pun) over to the Ring of Honor app and started playing ALL IN. In spite of technical issues on ROH's part and on the part of our shoddy internet connection (hooray for the useless internet in our area...), we were able to get the show working! Thankfully, even when the app glitched or they lost connection to the PPV itself, it seemed like it would continue from where we left off. We never seemed to lose any part of the match (it meant that the PPV went for a little longer for us, maybe, but I'll take a very late night over missing parts of the actual matches).

The opening match was not as interesting to me as it probably should have been, but that's because I was unfamiliar with Matt Cross and MJF. In spite of the match being highly energetic and technical as well as flippy as heck, I have lost most of it because of sensory overload. The show is too good, guys. What would be a 4-5+ star match in any other PPV becomes a forgotten match in this one. It's bananas.

The next match is easier to remember because of the build. Christopher Daniels of SCU (scu) took on Stephen Amell and humbled him to the ends of the earth, because while Daniels is an old man, in wrestling terms, he's basically a wrestling god and no matter how hard Amell trained with Cody, there was no way on earth he'd beat Daniels. He put up a hell of a fight though! If you're going to watch a Daniels match, I can recommend this one!

The women's four-way match was a lot of fun, but it solidified my opinion that Madison Rayne had no place in that match. I've seen better work from first-timers proving themselves in the ring at NXT. Legit first-timers. That being said, she's no Aksana, so there's that. The women did really well, Rayne notwithstanding, and it was a fun match. Tessa Blanchard is a goddess of wrestling!

Nick Aldis has been a fantastic NWA champion, but I think everyone knew that, since Cody had so much on the line, and since Dusty Rhodes was once the NWA champ, that Aldis would probably not be leaving with the NWA title. And so it was. They put on a veritable clinic, too, so it was incredible! Man, the match was amazing, and it was awesome to see each coming out with their own posse of champions. Cody came to the ring surrounded by Tommy Dreamer wearing Dusty's polka dots, DDP looking like a million bucks, Glacier (which popped Z to no end), his family, and Pharaoh the Siberian Nightmare (his doggo). Nick Aldis came out with Tim Storm (the previous NWA champion), Jeff Jarrett (who helped create TNA to preserve the NWA), Shawn Daivari (connection unknown), and Sam Shaw (also unknown connection?).

What got us a little nervous was the referee.

Earl Hebner has a reputation, you see, since he's the guy who refereed the infamous Screw Job that cost Bret Hart his title vs Shawn Michaels and soured Bret on the WWE for the rest of his career. Even now, that relationship is a bit chilly (and justifiably so, Bret gave them everything and asked only that he not lose to Shawn in his hometown, Vince was an absolute ass). So Hebner makes us nervous, yeah? And then he's throwing up the crossed forearms (a signal that a wrestler cannot continue and would the medics get down here yesterday please?!). We figured this was him throwing the match. DDP comes out to check on Cody, who is down near the announcers' table and... hiding his face?

Huh.

That usually means something very specific in wrestling, especially if the camera keeps cutting away from Cody.

It usually means that the wrestler is blading - intentionally cutting themselves with a razorblade (this one brought to him by DDP).

Daivari gets into the ring to argue with Hebner, DDP comes in and gives Daivari his finishing move (the Diamond Cutter), massive applause, Daivari rolls out, DDP leaves, Hebner gets in the middle of the ring just as Cody reappears with a mask of blood dripping down his face all dramatic-like.

The rest of the match is a blur of fantastic move after fantastic move, Brandi Rhodes sacrificing her body to protect her husband, and Earl maybe getting a handful of boob as he helps her out of the ring. I'm not making accusations here. My eyesight sucks. It just looks like he's got a mammary in his palm for a second there...

Regardless, Cody is the new NWA champ, which means he's working with the guy from Smashing Pumpkins now (Billy Corgan owns the NWA).

After that breathtaking match comes the comedy match of the night. You kind of have to have been watching Being the Elite to get this all the way, but the video package they start it with is a pretty good rundown. Hangman Page has an enormous manhood. He's called the Hung-Man sometimes. Joey Ryan is a wrestler best known for his sleazy personality and a move where he has people grab his junk, which somehow grabs back (it's comedy - it doesn't have to make sense) and he flips them with it. It's a devastating finisher. The two develop a feud where Hangman sets out to discredit Ryan and succeeds. However, Ryan recovers and defeats and humiliates Hangman, who can't take it and goes completely insane. Hangman kills Joey Ryan, but the guilt drives him even further mad.

His boots, which were splotched by Joey's blood in the attack, begin to talk to him, so he throws them away.

The thing is, Joey Janela is also a sleazy wrestler, and he wants a piece of Hangman at ALL IN, so Hangman vs Janela happens. Hangman, having tasted the blood of one Joey now desires the blood of all Joeys in the ring. Thus, the Chicago Street Fight.

Janela comes out with his lovely lady Penelope, who is also a ladybeast in the ring, and they fight with Hangman for a long time. Like, this match is way longer than any other company would allow it to be, thank god. If it had been any shorter, it would have sucked. Seriously. Eventually, the two are fighting and a pair of trashbags are brought out. In one of them, Hangman's boots, which he reacts to as if they're actually talking to him in the ring. The distraction nearly does him in.

The other bag has the hotel phone that he used to bludgeon Joey Ryan to death in it. Hangman uses this to eventually defeat Joey Janela.

While he's psychotically celebrating in the ring, the lights go out and some weird looking figures come out from backstage. They're...

They're guys in inflatable penis costumes.

Ghostly inflatable penis costumes.

Perhaps Don Callis put it the best: "It's a RES-ERECTION!" (sic).

Joey Ryan has risen indeed.

And he comes to the ring and beats the tar out of Hangman. It's something which must be seen to be believed. But... uh... put the kids to bed and make sure mom's out of the house...

There were a lot of reactions during this match in our group (both groups, because we watched it a second time with one of our other friends at their place yesterday!), but my favorite was Mr. Wrestling Friendo's reaction to the insane Burning Hammer onto a ladder. The Burning Hammer is his favorite (and the least safe) move in the world.

Jay Lethal vs Flip Gordon was another storyline-heavy match. See, back in the day, Jay Lethal wrestled as Black Machismo, who was basically the black version of Macho Man Randy Savage. He's left that life behind and become his own (incredible) wrestler, but ever since getting a bad concussion (really, he actually was concussed), whenever someone smacks him on the shoulder, he'll revert to Black Machismo and talk and act and move exactly like Macho Man. Right before he went out to the match, there was a video package showing him, wearing his usual ring attire, walking towards the ramp and being stopped by someone with an unfamiliar forearm holding out a pair of Macho Man's glasses. Lethal reaches for them very reluctantly, but once they're in his hand, the person handing them to him very intentionally hits his shoulder, activating Black Machismo.

Cut to the ring, where Flip is making his very triumphant entrance with Brandi Rhodes, who may or may not have organized his entire journey to the show. She's dressed as a 40s pinup girl in military fatigue green with a little hat. She looks like a million bucks, too. Flip is in his GI Flip trunks and the crowd is ballistic. He gets in the ring and they wait expectantly.

Macho Man's music hits. Not Jay Lethal's.

Black Machismo walks out wearing what I'm convinced is actually one of Macho Man's WCW outfits, all black and red and yellow with tassels. He's accompanied by his "Brother from Another Mother" Lanny Poffo. Macho Man's real life brother. The first wrestler I know about who thought to sell his own merchandise. Poffo is visibly thrilled to be out here.

The match that follows is amazing. Lethal switches between Machismo and Lethal several times, mistakes Brandi for Miss Elizabeth, does the MegaPowers handshake, and basically is amazing the whole time. Towards the end, Flip takes on the spirit of Hulk Hogan (despite not being dead) and Hulks Up, or Flips Out, as it should be. He even does the "YOU" point (assisted by the insanely loud crowd). Eventually, however, Lethal crushes Flip, but it feels like a rite of passage more than a loss. By this point the first time, I was already exhausted.

This PPV feels like a thrill ride in a way I've never experienced from something that wasn't actual physical activity. I'm still feeling the effects several days out.

After that madness, we have three main events. What the hell, guys. What the actual hell.

First up: Kenny Omega vs Pentagon Jr. These madmen are unstoppable. Legitimately unstoppable. The match is a work of violent, terrifying art, complete with apron bumps (when guys get moves done to them on the edge of the ring where there is little padding and less bounce), flying moves, submissions, and limbs being "broken" dramatically. Kenny is a total boss, but Penta is legit insane, so the match is a barn-burner clinic. It takes a lot to take Pentagon Jr down, but Kenny eventually manages it.

The lights go out while he's celebrating. Everyone on commentary is wondering if this is a technical glitch, if the feed has gone out, if they've lost power.

The lights come back on to show Penta still laying in the ring. But something's... different.

Pentagon gets back up and puts the beat down on Kenny, who hasn't been expecting it. Pentagon has lost some weight and his arms look... paler.

He pulls off his mask to reveal

CHRIS FREAKIN JERICHO

Who beats Kenny down, grabs a microphone and tells Kenny he'll see him on the Jericho Cruise, which is a cruise ship that Chris Jericho is going to be running matches and live music on. Amazing.

Great promotion there.

Jericho then books it to the back and, if the rumors I've heard are true, is immediately driven to his private jet, which drops him off at a show he was due at in only a few hours way down in Missouri. From Chicago. He performed while still wearing his Pentagon Jr makeup and pants. Damn. That's a professional.

Oh god, how are there still two matches left on this card?! How are they both this good?!

The buildup to Okada vs Scurll has been brutal, with Okada even going so far as to intimate that Scurll belongs on WWE's Cruiserweight program, 205 Live. There are even 205 Live signs in the crowd, which... ouch. The only one with faith in Scurll is Scurll himself.

The match is intolerably perfect. The buildup has been so cruel that I thought for sure that Scurll was going to beat Okada, but... I was wrong. Okada beats him. What's really troubling about this match, though, is that it went over time and that means that either Marty Scurll or Kazuchika Okada went into business for themselves. That's a bit upsetting, to be honest, since that means they took time away from the final main event and left them basically begging FITE TV for some more time. Then again, I'm told that the NWA championship was about as much shorter as this match was longer, so who knows what happened?

Regardless, the Okada vs Scurll match was great and they both looked strong throughout it. I have to wonder, as anyone who has any exposure to wrestling's weirdness does, if the rumors of friction are intentional to give more stories for the Being the Elite series. Wrestling makes you paranoid in many ways.

The final match of the night was a six-man tag match pitting Kota Ibushi and the Young Bucks against a Mexicano Dream Team of newcomer Bandido, high-flyer Fenix, and veteran monolith Rey Mysterio (dressed as Wolverine!). The match does not feel like it's only just under 12 minutes long. The speed of the match messes with your sense of time, like a ship going lightspeed. It's a conflagration of a match, tearing up conventions of timing and flow like confetti, and no one looks weak. Every move transitions perfectly into the next. The only complaint I heard was about Bandido constantly adjusting his mask, so maybe he should look into better ways of securing it

Bandido has a blisteringly bright future ahead of him if he continues to wrestle like this. He's incredible. I already knew, from Lucha Underground, that Fenix was unbelievable. I know from WWE, WCW, and more that Rey Mysterio is possibly one of the greatest Luchadors on the planet. I know from NJPW that Kota Ibushi is a wrestling god. I know from what little ROH I've seen and so much NJPW and Being the Elite that Nick & Matt Jackson are even better than the Hardy Boyz.

I had no idea any of them could possibly have a match this perfect.

I had no idea that Cody & the Young Bucks could create a PPV this sublime.

And it is a marvel to behold.

10/10, All the stars in the universe and the universe is infinite.

Go Enjoy This.

FC