Wednesdaymania 19: Commissioned PPV 1 edition!

It has been referred to as the "worst Pay-Per-View of all time".

It is legendary.

Most wrestling fans, if they dare speak of it, do so with giggles.

It's very, very not good.

It is Heroes of Wrestling.

Yes, it's every bit as cheap as this logo.

A little background that I know off the top of my head:

• The guys who ran this show knew very little about how to run a wrestling PPV
• The venue, Casino Magic in Bay St Louis, MS, no longer exists since it was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina (ironic, since the PPV opens with a speech on how Mississippi is recovering from a previous hurricane...)
• Jake the Snake Roberts had been sober for a while, but had only very recently fallen off the wagon, which is not at all on the promoters for not knowing.
• Gordon Solie was supposed to be an announcer, but he was busy dying of throat cancer so he couldn't make it, and while there's an In Memoriam screen for the recently-deceased Gorilla Monsoon (who had nothing to do with this show), no mention is ever made outside the pre-taped promo packages of Solie.
• It has possibly the best promo to ever appear in a terrible PPV
• It's hard as heck to find images that make sense
• It's absolutely worth the negative hype.

Let's get started!

OPENING

This PPV starts with a promo package talking about the state of Mississippi after a hurricane (perhaps Irene?), which, as I've mentioned, is pretty funny when you consider that the riverboat casino that Casino Magic owned was later washed away and destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. We're introduced to Randy Rosenbloom and Dirty Dutch Mantel (who you might also recognize as Zeb Coulter).

And yes, Dutch is wearing Curly's poncho from "The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly"

The music is on a loop and is also pretty bad, the ring announcer's name is Crisper Stanton, which sounds like a name you'd find on a baseball player in a Famicom game. The crowd is already drunk. There are too many matches, too many drugs, and I'm going to have to keep a death-tally, aren't I?

MATCH 1: SAMU & FATU "THE SAMOAN SWAT TEAM" WITH PAUL ADAMS AND SIKA VS MARTY JANNETTY & TOMMY ROGERS

Well, one match in and we can already throw one up on the death count: Tommy Rogers passed away in 2015, but we don't know anything beyond the fact that he was found on the couch by his roommate. Yikes.

This match is, thankfully, only 10 minutes long. Everyone comes out to generic keyboard music. Adams gives a crappy promo where he keeps saying "And I thought to myself, 'Self!'" and it's very unfunny.

It's not a good match, though Marty Jannetty is in shockingly good form for a guy who was probably coked to the gills.

Weirdly enough, though, it was the announcing that kinda blew my mind, because Randy Rosenbloom sounds almost exactly like Stagger Lee Marshall from WCW (also known for his role as Tony the Tiger!). Between Dutch Mantel blathering on about First Amendment Rights and the commentary occasionally bleeding into the crowd over the intercom, it's the action outside the ring that really makes this match worth listening to.

Especially since Randy calls a simple arm drag a "reversal & takedown", which either tickles or infuriates Dutch (it's hard to tell).

The ring ropes are too low, since the Samoans cannot actually roll out of the ring without getting almost stuck in the ropes. On top of this, Marty performs a ridiculous and unnecessary plancha, followed by losing the match. Whatever, at least Dutch was happy.

Before the next match, there was some dumb advertising patter that was clearly echoing over the intercom, meaning they were advertising to the crowd to order t-shirts. Geez.

There's a little package of Sensational Sherri checking into a hotel with George the Animal Steele, who looks embarrassed at her hypersexual advances, followed by a cut to a promo backstage where Sherri has done all of the cocaine beforehand.

MATCH 2: GREG THE HAMMER VALENTINE VS GEORGE THE ANIMAL STEELE WITH SENSATIONAL SHERRI

Most of these pictures will be... blurry. I don't think there can ever be an HD version of this PPV.

Greg gets no music on entrance, there's no build, and commentator Randy makes things awkward with the line "This Valentine, of course, is no sweetheart."

Greg does give a half-decent promo in-ring, however, though threatening to murder George is... well... you can't deliver on that, Greg. Don't tell the crowd they're getting a snuff film.

When George & Sherri arrive, George looks like a grumpy old phys ed instructor.

Mr. Steele says we have to run wind sprints. Ugh.

Halfway through the match, Sherri starts betraying George, and there's no point to any of this. Honestly. There's a small war over a gimmick weapon that goes down people's trunks, falls out in front of the ref, and looks kinda like a fat spoon wrapped in athletic tape. Weird.

Of course, George does eventually eat one of those turnbuckles.
Which never gets cleaned up.

Greg defeats George after an eternal 6:37. 2/2 Heels win.

Death count for this match: 2 (Sherri overdosed, George passed from kidney failure).

Total Death Count: 3

MATCH 3: JULIO FANTASTICO VS 2 COLD SCORPIO

I cannot find images to show for this match, which is too bad, because it's one of the best matches on the card. Julio Fantastico (aka Julio Dinero), was pretty good (though kinda shouty in his promos), and 2 Cold Scorpio is rarely bad. 2 Cold came out looking like Prince in a purple velvet coat but with Michael Jackson's coke habit. Regardless, this is one of the most worthwhile matches on this card, and I don't think that it's anywhere near the best either of these guys have ever performed.

During the match, Captain Lou Albano (aka Mario from the Super Mario Bros Super Show) comes down and joins the commentary team to druggy and hilarious effect. He puts the promoter over and hollers about paying Dutch more money. His commentary for the match is a succession of "OH!"s worthy of Lex Luger selling a chop.

Also, at one point Julio Fantastico accidentally kicked a kid in the face. The match kinda fell apart near the end, but Scorpio still ended up looking pretty good.

2 Cold Scorpio beat Julio Dinero with a couple of "Tumbleweeds" in 9:37.

I love Captain Lou.

Speaking of Captain Lou, he's announced as Commissioner of the Heroes of Wrestling after this match, which only makes sense when you realize that this was supposed to be the first of several PPVs, if this one succeeded. Whoops. Lou yells "BILLYBILLYBILLYBILLYBILLY" (because he's trying to get promoter Bill Stone's attention for a silly and emotional promo), and gets choked up, sobbing happily about how great his life is. Dutch, ever the pro, consoles him. All of this is a work.

We cut to backstage with Michael St John, their interview guy, who talks with King Kong Bundy, who directs the interview himself and gives a decent promo.

But he's not next.

MATCH 4: THE IRON SHEIK & NIKOLAI VOLKOFF WITH NIKITA BREZNIKOFF VS THE BUSHWHACKERS

Oh boy, this match is a doozy. While I lack photos of the match itself, I can assure you, it's a complete waste of everyone involved except for the opening, since it's all the heels doing their Iron Curtain shtick and discouraging the crowd from chanting USA USA...

No one in this match is supposed to be American (though the Iron Sheik & Volkoff are both naturalized citizens). Sheik does his Persian Club routine, (with some weird looking clubs) and blasts Hogan & Bob Backlund, who are not present.

What was once a 'Roid Belly has now become a Turkey Club Belly

The Bushwhackers arrive and lick random people in the crowd, who seem to enjoy it? So much booze. Regardless, they are from New Zealand, so hearing them continuously referred to as "The Men from Down Under" kind of annoys me. Then Randy accidentally refers to Bushwhacker Butch as Bushwhacker Dutch and the real Dutch gets offended.

Everything about this match sucks. The Iron Curtain are too old for this crap, and the Bushwhackers were never the smoothest workers, so it's a cluster. Sheik pauses the match to ask the crowd to stop chanting USA or he'll leave, Dutch translates, but Randy interrupts. Dutch spends the rest of the match berating Randy.

Eventually Sheik takes the pin, but it looks like the pin itself is excruciating for him. Poor Sheik.

That concluded one of the longest 8:42 of my life.

Death count for this match was 1 (Nikita died this year)

Total Death Count: 4

MATCH 5: TULLY BLANCHARD VS SWEET STAN LANE

This match has the only build on the card. During an interview with Tully Blanchard, Stan Lane attacks (tired of people saying he was second-banana in his life, I think?) and stuffs Tully into the trunk of his limo. Tully proceeds to give one of the best promos.

Then Stan Lane gets to the ring and gives a mediocre promo. 

Bad promo, but great look.

Tully is too old to wrestle, so the match lacks the fire of the promo, which sucks. Actually, it's also a false-finish to a bad finish, so it's almost infuriating to watch. I suggest we stick with the promo and forget the match, which lasted 7:04.

Speaking of Forgettable Matches:

MATCH 6: ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER VS ONE MAN GANG

I didn't watch this.

I don't like OMG. I don't like Abdullah. I don't like blood-sport.

I mostly just listened and avoided looking at the bloodbath it inevitably devolved into. I mean, Abdullah was a Hepatitis-Positive blood-machine, and OMG wasn't much better, so of course it was going to be a bloody match. And of course, Abbie bleeds less than a minute into the match. 

This match is two fat guys stumbling around a ring with a meat fork, bleeding.

Non-Finish.

7:34 too long.

There's blood on Randy's files, the manager looks spooked, and the crowd did not care.

MATCH 7: COWBOY BOB ORTON VS JIMMY SUPERFLY (MURDERER) SNUKA

This match is promoted using "surveillance" footage of a card game among Captain Lou, Snuka, and Bob. Bob supposedly cheats, which means now they all hate each other. Cut to Cap and Snuka in an interview with Michael St John or whatever his name was. Snuka has a terrifyingly blank expression on his face like a murderous manikin. Lou yells "WATCH IT SNUKA WATCH IT SNUKA WATCH IT SNUKA!" over and over. Snuka is on his side.

Drugs are bad.

And so is this PPV

Captain Lou limps down to the ring with Snuka. Dutch lies to us and says that Cowboy Bob Orton, a know brawler, is one of the best technical wrestlers on Earth. Bob is, however, the most competent man in the ring.

This match has the charming distinction of having a homophobic slur screamed by children throughout. Ugh.

Bob sells like Bambi on ice at one point, and eventually Snuka beats him with a garbage Superfly we barely see.

At 11:46, this is a match that could've lost a few minutes and been labeled "ok".

Death Count for the Match is 2 (both Snuka & Lou are gone)

Total Death Count: 6

MATCH 8/9: JIM THE ANVIL NEIDHART (& KING KONG BUNDY) VS JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS (& YOKOZUNA)

This match is where it all falls apart, infamously.

It all starts with the now-infamous promo:

I'm sorry.

So, backstory - Jake had been sober prior to this event, but he fell off the wagon just before the date came up, so he's completely slogged here. This carries through in the actual match.

When Jim Neidhart is more sober than you in 1999, it's a very bad day.

He stumbles down to the ring, leaves his snake, and then... leaves? He has to be sent back out to the ring and Jim Neidhart, infamous for his drug usage, is furious that his opponent is hammered like a copper coffee pot. The crowd is already chanting for the python, but oh, they have no idea what they're asking for.

After 10 minutes of trying to get Jake to wrestle him, Jim is about ready to kill him. Then Jake grabs Damian the python out of his poorly-secured sack and... pretends it's his penis. He masturbates the snake's head & neck at the crowd and then goes full snake-porno and starts making out with it on the mat. This sounds funnier than it is. Jake is barely human at this point.

Seriously. This is just uncomfortable. All of this is uncomfortable.

Neidhart tries to leave, but the Promoter is in damage-control mode and sends out King Kong Bundy. Why is this weird? Because Bundy is supposed to have a "Thousand Pound War" with Yokozuna next. 

Bundy comes out to help Jim, who tries to legitimately KO Jake (but fails). Jake gives the crowd the finger later, and Yokozuna comes out to team with him against Bundy and Neidhart.

What were supposed to be two separate one-on-one matches are now a tag match. A bad one. The crowd is too drunk to know or care, however.

The promoter sends out a crew member who looks like King Kong Bundy (like, eerily so), who nervously talks to the guys in the ring, bouncing from wrestler to wrestler, putting an admirable fake choke on Jake. Yoko tries to talk sense into Jake (who's still blitzed).

This is the match that WILL NOT END.

Eventually, Bundy pins Jake and everyone starts to leave, but Yoko is allowed to give a big drop to the crew guy (who the announcers dub "Little Bundy" and whose real name is, according to Wikipedia, Michael Henry) and Jake drapes the, by now horrified, snake on him. Fade to black.

And then fade back in!

Nope, fade out.

Final Death Toll: 9

• Tommy Rogers
• Sensational Sherri
• George the Animal Steele
• Nikolai Volkoff
• Jimmy Snuka
• Captain Lou Albano
• Jim Neidhart
• Yokozuna
• Gordon Solie

I'd say few deaths were unpreventable - George's kidney issues were due to age, and Solie's throat cancer was due to growing up and living in a world of nicotine soaked everything - but the rest were mostly due to drugs or other addictions (Yoko was seemingly addicted to being overweight). Except for Tommy, we know all the causes, too.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This program...

It deserves one of the most famous negative ratings:

"Minus all the stars in the universe, and the universe is infinite"

Also, at about 2.5 hours long, it's one of the shortest Pay Per Views I've watched, yet it feels like one of the longest, and I've watched 4+ hour long PPVs!

But if you have a high tolerance for bad wrestling or a large group of people you want hating you, this Pay Per View might still be for you!

That's all for this Commissioned Pay Per View.

I hope my patron enjoyed it!

Go Enjoy Something!

Or Not :P

FC