Wednesdaymania 21: WCW Halloween Havoc 1991

I love Halloween Havocs, guys. They're usually pretty bad, they're gimmicked all up, and they don't make a lick of sense, but I love them.

This card was a hilariously overblown 11 matches long and had oodles of replacements!

The 1990s were a fun time to watch WCW. They hadn't yet been infected with the Hogan virus, Steve Austin had hair and shared gold chains with Flyin Brian Pillman, and Sting's facepaint tended more towards dayglo than emo. Top that all off with management having no idea what to do with both of the big men in the Cliq (Kevin Nash & Scott Hall), and you get a very, very interesting playing field.

Announced by the unique team of Tony Schiavone and Jim Ross, this is a treat to listen too, and since your backstage interviewers consist of eventual showrunner Eric Bischoff (in the same costume they'd later give to Schiavone for Halloween Havoc commercials) and the ever alluring Missy Hyatt, you don't get bored between matches. No matter how boring the matches. Missy's desperation to learn the identity of the Halloween Phantom (a mysterious and dangerous villain) before anyone else is a riot!

I vant to suck your ratings!

This card was originally supposed to have Sting's team of himself, El Gigante (Giant Gonzalez, aka he of the fuzzy buttcheeks...), and the Steiner Brothers vs an opposing team made up of Oz (Kevin Nash), One Man Gang (Akeem the African Dream), Diamond Stud (Scott Hall), and Barry Windham.

The second team couldn't be put through, though, because OMG left WCW. To accommodate this, WCW instead booked a completely different team, mussing up all the other matches, but still giving everyone their Pay-Per-View payday. Oz had his own match later on the card and was replaced by Cactus Jack. Windham got his hand "broken" in a car door right before the PPV as part of a storyline and so was replaced with Big Van Vader (major upgrade, in my opinion), and One Man Gang was replaced with Abdullah the Butcher...

Now, Cactus was supposed to face a mountainous man called Bill Kazmaier later in the show, but they a) didn't want Cactus to wrestle twice on one Pay-Per-View, and b) didn't want to pay him twice in one Pay-Per-View, so they dumped Oz (Nash) into that slot. Since Michael PS Hayes was "injured" in a storyline, he couldn't wrestle his match either and was replaced by his Freebird partner, Jimmy Jam Garvin. Doug Somers appears, as does Ricky Morton. If you don't know all the names I'll throw at you, don't worry.

Neither did I.

CARD:

1) CHAMBER OF HORRORS MATCH (STING, THE STEINER BROS, & EL GIGANTE [VS] BIG VAN VADER, CACTUS JACK, ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER, AND THE DIAMOND STUD)

And yeah, you couldn't see much of this match if you were in the crowd.

So, 8 dudes, one big ugly cage, and the end goal is to strap a guy into the electric chair and murder them. WCW was hardcore before hardcore was much of a thing. It was stupid hardcore, but televised homicide wasn't really a thing back then!

With the cage in the way, the crowd wasn't that into the match (how could they be? They couldn't see anything!) but bless, these guys really went to town! They're pulling no punches and tossing each other around like ragdolls. The refs are trying to help out by wearing cameras, too, so we can see more in the ring. It's too bad that the Refer-Eye Cameras suuuuuuuuuck.

You either can't see anything or you see it like this...

So this match is way too long at 12:33, and the finish is nearly ruined by the fact that the handle falls down while someone is in the chair (which should have killed them, but Cactus fixes it and then throws the switch himself). Unfortunately for cactus, Abdullah was in the chair, not one of the Steiners, so Sting's team won.

Sting was too busy fighting a grimier than usual Scott Hall...

Abdullah explodes and vibrates at the finish, which looks great for the cameras, but no one else could see it!

Of course he bladed. So did Cactus. Poor guys.
Also, they fought their way to the back.

All I could about think at the end of this match was whether or not Abdullah had Hepatitis yet and if Cactus Jack knew it, because they're getting dangerously close to contaminating one another with their blood...

A dumb match with a dumber finish. I love it.


2) BIG JOSH & PN NEWS VS THE CREATURES

Why. Why does this tag team exist. Why does P. N. News exist. Why.

I don't have pics of the creatures, but they're just dudes in shiny green lucha masks. This match is a nothing squash with Big Josh (aka Doink the Clown) landing on one of the creatures with his butt. Somehow this is supposed to be a devastating move...

5:16. Five minutes too long.

3) BOBBY EATON VS TERRY TAYLOR

Finally, a match with highly competent participants! And you can see it! And... oh yeah... Terry's a racist d-bag, according to Konnan... but daaaaaaamn can he wrestle. Also, it's fun to watch Marlena get a good gig where she's not flopping her boobs around or dressed in gold lame. This was 16 minutes of good wrestling and good entrance music and it's just one of the best matches on here. It's the second longest match on here, but it's the longest good match.

I don't have pictures of this match. Oops.
Enjoy the cool hand made tombstones in the background.
All these guys (with the exception of the Minnesota Twins) are from the production & road crews!

4) JOHNNY B BADD (WITH TEDDY LONG) VS JIMMY JAM GARVIN (WITH MICHAEL HAYES)

They're Freebirds...

What's your excuse?!

So, I'm not a Freebirds fan. Michael PS Hayes rubs me all the wrong ways, and I don't find his Beerwolf persona in the least charming. I don't particularly enjoy watching him or any of his various Freebird partners wrestling. I'm glad that he served as valet for the Hardy Boyz back in the day, and I'm happy that he's doing alright and not in a ditch somewhere. That's the extent of my warm feelings towards Hayes.

He's an amazing, conssummate heel, however.

This match is 8:16 of Hayes using his fake injury to Garvin's advantage, bludgeoning and battering both Teddy Long and Johnny B Badd while the ref's back is turned. The crowd hates him and he knows it. Badd is... yeah, that exactly. I've never been a Marc Mero Mark, so that could be it. Still, I have to feel a little bad for a guy whose wife/valet left him and took his entrance music with her. Cold, Sable. Real cold.

Not a bad match. I'd watch it again.


5) STUNNING STEVE AUSTIN (WITH LADY BLOSSOM) VS DUSTIN RHODES

See that blond on the left who kinda looks like Mr Ass? Yeah, he's Stone Cold.
Also, the blond head at the bottom is his ex-wife who gave him the name.
He gave her kids and divorce papers.
Stone. Cold.

This is an amazing match. Austin always gives 100% when he likes you, and I think he likes Dustin (that's Gold Dust). Dustin is still young and fairly green, but he's giving it all he's got and it shows. He's never been the swift and graceful dynamo his little brother Cody is, but he's damn good. The whole match is fantastic and I could watch it a hundred times.

15:00 time limit draw.

It's one of the best Draws in WCW, I feel.


6) BILL KAZMAIER VS OZ

My face throughout this match.
And not because it's good.

Kazmaier is a mountain, but he's about a foot shorter than Oz. Oz, or Kevin Nash, doesn't want  to be here. It shows. Kazmaier was probably looking forward to working with Cactus Jack, and it shows.

It was the longest 3:59 of my life.

Kazmaier defeats Oz via Torture Rack.


7) VAN HAMMER VS DOUG SOMERS

Don't bother. A nothing 1:13 that I can't even remember beyond the fact that I hate watching Van Hammer.

I didn't even bother to grab pics.
Have the awesome Haunted House background they made for the PPV instead.
Much better.

8) BRIAN PILLMAN VS RICKY MORTON (WITH ALEXANDRA YORK [AKA MARLENA])

He was so, so, so good!

So... Brian Pillman was amazing. He was graceful, he was powerful, he was daring. He was everything you want in an inaugural Light Heavyweight champ. And he took! He may have had a bit of an advantage by starting the tournament leading up to this match with a Bye, but he beat Badstreet (Road Dogg's brother!) to earn the right to fight the legendary Ricky Morton. Morton is a legend for a reason, and as I mentioned in the Review Which Shall Not Be Named, he's almost always good. I'd watch this match 1000 more times if asked. It's good.

At 12:45, this is one of the few matches that felt like it lasted the right amount of time.

I do wince, however, every time I see Pillman land with stiff legs...

10/10, best sign in crowd.

9) THE HALLOWEEN PHANTOM VS TOM ZENK

I don't have anything against Z-Man Tom Zenk. Is he amazing? Nah. Is he terrible? Nah. He's a good hand and he deserved more than a 1:27 match. Then again, I like that this match is literally just building storyline for the upcoming Dangerous Alliance! That's right. The WCW Phantom is being controlled by a spurned Paul E Dangerously (who you may know better as Paul Heyman) who had just been fired as announcer but found a loophole via his Manager's license.

As you can see, this doesn't go well for the Z-Man...

After this match, the Phantom runs off to the back but we do have one clue as to his identity before they reveal it at the end of the show!

Hmmmm.... fit as heck, glorious mustache... I knew by now.
Do you?

10) THE ENFORCERS (ARN ANDERSON & LARRY ZBYSZKO) VS THE PATRIOTS (TODD CHAMPION AND FIREBREAKER CHIP)

Two of the toughest guys in the company vs a fire fighter and a guy whose name sounds like it belongs in the adult section...

This match is... it's alright. It's kind of a nothing match where nothing exciting happens because Firebreaker Chip (who showed up dressed like a fireman hired for a bachelorette party...) is more of a bodybuilder and Todd Champion isn't a WCW guy, really. You may know him better as Michinoku Pro's Perro Russo. I like that this match is death free. No one's dead, everyone's more or less okay (or as okay as Zbyszko ever is...).

A dull but endurable 9:51 sleepwalks us into our main event.


11) RON SIMMONS (WITH DUSTY RHODES) VS LEX LUGER (WITH HARLEY RACE),
      2 OUT OF 3 FALLS

This is a pretty good shot of the match.

Lex was never an amazing wrestler. His physique carried him most of his career. Ron was never much of a technical wrestler. His power carried most of his career. What do you get when you have looks vs sheer strength? 18:59 of sloppy moves, Lex saying "OW! OH! OOOH!" a whole bunch, and Ron looking increasingly furious. The best part of this match is having both Dusty and Harley on the outside. Harley is loud, telling the ref at one point "You coulda counted to 10!" when a pin fails to give Lex a win. Dusty, meanwhile, is on fire and babbling a mile a minute to Ron, who is responding with his own rapidfire, yet far calmer, explanations.

Lex somehow pulls a win out of his tiny blue shorts and WCW continues its long legacy of weird finishes.



All in all, this was a fun show. Was it particularly entertaining? Nah. Was it particularly boring? Nah. Was it particularly good or bad? Nah. It was a decent Havoc. I loved how low-budget the haunted house set was (they must've spent their money on Vader's awesome smoke-shooting mastadon helmet!), and I loved the weird combos of announcers & interviewers were!

Mastadon Helmet FTW!!!

Death Toll:

• Brian Pillman
• Giant Gonzalez/El Gigante
• Creature 1 (Joey Maggs)
• Doug Somers
• Tom Zenk
• Harley Race
• Dusty Rhodes

Not a bad toll for a 1990s PPV, if I do say so myself!

Alright, that'll do it for me this week!

Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC