Filmic Friday 22

We did not have a DVD, but this is a pretty good representation...

Movie: The Foreigner
Format: VHS

Oh man, did this movie ever suck. This is Seagal slowly expanding vs the knowledge that he's too fat to fight now. I'm saying this as a decidedly plus-sized person - bulk in the midsection absolutely hampers your fight-scene choreography.

What this means is that this incomprehensible thing is about 80% Stunt Double and maybe 5% boobs because Seagal refused to have an onscreen romance back in 2003. I mean, we open with a nekkid hooker and he won't even look at her. I'm not convinced they were in the same scene!

Now, I'm not one to complain about plot in an action movie not making sense 100% of the time, but this film is almost incomprehensible. Let's see how I fare, here, and if you watch the movie, you can tell me how wrong I am:

Jonathan Cold (Seagal) is an independent agent of some kind (who cares) and takes on a job to drag a package from where he is (?) to his dad's funeral (I think it was his dad?) to Paris, where he's supposed to hand it off. Of course this isn't what happens and he's partnered with an ultra-weasel who betrays him a dozen times and won't die when very clearly killed. Cold tracks the package across Europe and gets tangled up in a messy divorce and really stupid reasons for shooting down planes and blows up the best character in a men's room. The end. No real resolution.

Here are some pictures:

Here we see the weasel (Max Ryan, who has the most action movie name ever) hunting varmints - er... guards all dressed in black...

This is the most active we ever see Seagal.
See what I mean about bulk not being conducive to action?

Seagal looks like he's just been told he can't supersize his fries, rather than that he's held at gunpoint...
Story of this film: Seagal is bored, everyone else hams it up.

And no, I don't know why this movie ends with lonely, pensive Seagal on a boat with bad voiceover telling him that the girl got away with her daughter and who cares why those guys on the plane died.

This is it.
This is the last scene in the movie.
Spoilers: It's stupid.

I wish I could tell you this was at least a fun movie to watch on its own, but you absolutely need a crew because otherwise, you'll think you've taken some psylocybins and are having the worst trip. The editing in this movie is terrible. There are nonsensical slow-mo scenes, the soundtrack can't decide whether to be orchestral or straight up bad techno, and the lighting is either flat and gray or ridiculous neon under-lighting like everything is a club and we're all wasted.

As a group endeavor, this is a fun flick to watch. We all were baffled the whole way through and the head-tiltingly stupid plot had us all giving the room the good old Dutch Angle the entire time.

2/10 for movie quality
6/10 for viewing enjoyment
7/10 for unrealistic yet satisfying explosions.

If you'd like to see some other reviews of this movie (and the sources of most of my pictures here), check these guys out:

Crustacean Hate
Bullet Proof Action

One last note: We'll be switching our weekly movie night from Fridays to Tuesdays, it sounds like, but the blog will still be on Fridays. If I seem a little weird in the next couple of weeks, that's just me coping with change :)

That's all from me today!

Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC