Ouch.
I'll stop.
So yeah, here's Uncensored '97!
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| This title card had an epileptic's nightmare of a background. It was constantly flashing and changing, and it was almost impossible to look at. |
We're off to a bad start with the eternal and unwatchable title card, but then we're thrust into the thick of it, live from Charleston, SC. Pyro and hicks abound in the stadium, but the commentary team is what I consider peak and magnificent WCW:
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| Dusty Rhodes, Tony Schiavone, and Bobby Heenan. Only one of these guys pretended to care about the PPV. Spoilers: It's not Dusty (who likely booked it) or Bobby (who was probably a little tipsy). |
Thank you, Mr. Rodman.
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| We now go to the first match! |
I believe I've mentioned before that Dean Malenko is why I watch wrestling, right? Because he is. This match is... this match is incredible. I love them both.
They start the match like a house on fire, shoving each other and trying to assert dominance. Then they get into some beautiful chain technical wrestling that nearly made me drool. Seriously. If you want to see a match that's all about what I love about wrestling, this is one of the ones to watch...
Except for the commentary.
At one point, Dusty, who may be a little tipsy himself, begins gibbering about "stompers" and "stompees" and he just won't stop. Then something happens backstage and they commit a cardinal sin: they ignore the incredible match in front of them and cut to some stupid subplot in the back involving the NWO likely having beaten Rick Steiner the Dogface Gremlin down. I didn't care about that and was very disappointed to have my good match interrupted with a nearly pointless storyline.
The camera returned to find Malenko & Guerrero in the middle of trading very good holds. This continued for some time, with both Malenko & Guerrero giving a grade A++ performance until suddenly Syxx (better known now as X-Pac) showed up and overthrew the finish, giving Dean Malenko the belt.
I really couldn't complain about Dean winning, so I didn't try.
Between this match and the next was a brief interview in the locker rooms between Mean Gene Okerlund and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Piper is insane.
I literally cannot find this promo, but one part stood out to me.
"Rodman, he wanted to try on my kilt, which, y'know, not a problem. Only problem - he wanted to do it with me in it!"
It's one of the most Roddy Piper lines I've ever heard, and I howled for the rest of the promo. He was an intense dude. Super intense.
Then they were interrupted by the New Horsemen, and eventually the promo segment ended, throwing us to our next match.
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| These two guys, man... these guys. |
2) Psychosis vs Ultimate Dragon with Sonny Onoo
This match is another prime example of why I love wrestling. Sonny is a truly effective bad-guy manager, villainously messing with Psychosis at every available opportunity. Like with the Malenko/Guerrero match, however, there are very weak moments on commentary, this time because of Heenan and his very obvious disdain for both Lucha style and Japanese wrestlers in general. Then again, he does have a funny line about Sonny having illicit pictures on his camera that he'd share backstage. The camera gimmick, by the way, was one of several reasons Sonny Onoo later sued WCW (and won), since it was super racist.
Thankfully, the commentary is rescued by "Iron" Mike Tenay, who always gives good commentary on matches like this.
Speaking of matches, this one starts instantly, explosively, and beautifully, with some really convincing emotion - that emotion being namely hatred - between Psychosis & UD. This is, by the way, the same Ultimate Dragon who was also known as Ultimo Dragon and is still wrestling in Japan today, though it's in AJPW instead of NJPW.
At one point, Psychosis performs a guillotine leg drop that hits Dragon in the face and looks like it could have legitimately done some damage. There's another moment where Dragon is outside the ring and Psychosis performs a Tope Suicida onto him that ends up with them "on carpet over particle board over ice", as they're in a hockey arena, and then Psychosis follows it up with another terrifying and painful guillotine leg drop. Both men are insane.
Sonny, at this point, has had enough and attacks Psychosis with some rapid strikes. The ref doesn't see this, but when he sees Psychosis down and Sonny standing near him, he begins to put things together. Sonny defends himself, saying that Psychosis "Maybe slipped? Had an accident!" It was a great moment.
It was a wonderful, brutal match ending with Ultimate Dragon pinning Psychosis. At this point, I realized that Sonny had a New Japan t-shirt on under his suit jacket.
All around, a fantastic match.
We're interrupted by Mean Gene peddling the 1-900 number that WCW ran, talking about someone who was leaving WCW. Then he interviews "hot commodity" DDP, who... seems a little tipsy in this interview. I'm pretty sure he was mostly sober during this time, but I could be wrong. He's acting like Scott Hall during Spring Break, though, so... I dunno. Then they're interrupted by Macho Man (accompanied by a sadly stoned-out-of-her-mind Miss Elizabeth), who talks about how much R E S P E C T he has for DDP and gives him props for having a hot wife (Kimberly), who had recently posed for Playboy. I'm not sure why DDP is so mad at first, but I like the visual gag where they've spraypainted "NWO" over the... sensitive content in the magazine spread.
The "tastefulness" (for wrestling) ends there, because of course you can't have women in wrestling without a disgusting implied rape subplot, and poor Kimberly is dragged out from backstage in a dress that has been mussed up and has NWO spraypainted all over it.
Macho & the NWO beat down DDP in front of his wife and spray their logo on his back. Then they re-spray Kimberly some more.
It's deeply upsetting to see this and I don't feel that a plot like this has any place in wrestling. Ever.
Wretched.
Unfortunately, the next match did nothing to bring my emotions back up.
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| I love Mortal Kombat, but I can't love this :( |
3) Martial Arts Match - Mortis with James Vanderberg vs Glacier
As Mortis comes out to the ring, the commentary team has a brief debate over whether or not he's alive. Tony Sciavone declares that he is, but... sadly, since Mortis is portrayed by Chris Kanyon, this is no longer the case. Great way to bring the mood up after an awful rape plot.
Sadly, despite both men being excellent on their own merits and usually having good chemistry in the ring, this is mostly a glorified kicking match with the occasional good moment, spoiled by the awful commentary. Glacier's Shawn Michaels-style selling is undercut by Dusty Rhodes blabbering about putting his foot in his mouth and the fact that the match feels like a 20 minute slog rather than a 9 minute match.
They're interrupted during Glacier's victory by Adam Bomb showing up as the new character "Wrath". Honestly, I wish this storyline and division had worked out, because this was some WMAC Masters stuff and that show was gloriously terrible and I love it.
So of course Heenan undercuts this by claiming repeatedly that he has "certainly never seen (Wrath) before in my life". Heenan knew Adam Bomb pretty well at this point. I'd literally just watched him talking about him in WWE.
We are once again interrupted, this time with shaky home video footage in black & white from (clearly) the NWO running the Steiner brothers off the road and causing a terrible accident. Then we get the NWO B-Team music and...
4) Strap Match - Buff Bagwell vs Scotty Riggs (who has his American Males music)
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| It's not a Yapapai Strap Match, but it's just as boring. |
I don't like Strap matches. I don't particularly like watching Buff Bagwell matches. I don't particularly enjoy watching Scotty Riggs matches. This... didn't change my mind on any of these opinions, but it wasn't terrible, I guess.
Buff plays chickenshit heel very well, cowering outside the ring until he's forced to accept the strap around his wrist, and the two make the best of a bad match format. Seriously, I don't get strap matches that aren't also Iron Man matches. Why wouldn't you just (if you're the stronger man) drag your opponent with you and just tap the ring posts immediately? Why bother fighting? It's dumb.
Even Dusty, who again, likely set this match up, didn't care. He was busy babbling about SEE-MENT and Playboy. Buff tries to get himself over with decent heel work, talking directly into the camera and giving his own snarky commentary on the match's progress, but it's too little too late. It's already a strap match, and I already don't care.
At one point, Dusty erupts with "Get him in a fightal - er - fetal position!" quickly followed up by a much quieter "Don't look at me like that" to one of his fellow commentary men. Probably both, to be honest. That got a good chuckle out of me.
Z actually may have fallen asleep during this match, as we watched it together. I wish I could have.
Buff won.
We lost.
Another interruption - this one an NWO ad/promo where they made the subtext of possibly sexually assaulting DDP's wife into actual text. My notes:
Why. Gross.
What the **** is happening?! WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING...
And then I was rescued by the next match. Kind of.
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| Well, it's half of a good match, at least... |
5) Tornado Tag Match - Harlem Heat with Sister Sherri vs Public Enemy
Let it be known that Sherri Martel was one of the most badass women in wrestling, that she was one of the most beautiful, one of the most dedicated to the business, and one of the wildest.
Let it also be known that I have a huge crush on the Sister Sherri persona.
The WWE Network's dub over the Public Enemy theme is actually pretty good, but I was a little busy staring at Sherri and enjoying the fact that Harlem Heat was awesome. Then the match starts and it's a total bludgeon-fest.
Public Enemy has brought trash cans filled with random objects to the ring, including cookie sheets and bits of wood and even, perhaps most importantly, a toilet seat.
That toilet seat gets almost as much airtime as Sherri does and they seem to be equally intrinsic to the flow of the match.
How often can that be said?
That being said, Sherri beating the everloving dog snot out of Public Enemy doesn't send Dusty Rhodes into laughter-orbit - the toilet seat and its mere presence do.
Sherri is the absolute MVP of this match, even letting Johnny Grunge bleed on her face while she punishes him. She also lets him throw her into the barricade. This woman had a broken spine before this. Her drug habits mostly revolved around the fact that she could barely walk. She let a man who could barely walk to the ring without botching throw her, spine first, into a steel barricade.
Sherri Martel.
Absolute Legend.
Then the Horsemen interfere on Harlem Heat's behalf, winning them the match.
Usually, I'd hate run-ins like this, but it's for legitimate and interesting storyline purposes, so I'll let it slide...
Gene is in the locker room again. If the NWO lose the main event tonight, they'll lose all their belts. If they win, they get to run the television shows. Scott Steiner has a ponytail and is hanging out with The Giant (Big Show) and Lex Luger. Scott wants the NWO and warns Piper & the Horsemen away. Lex gives a pretty decent promo after the Giant says a few words.
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| :| I dunno about this, guys. |
I'm positive that Prince Iaukea was a really great guy and a "good brother" as they say in the business.
I just don't think he ever really knew how to have a good match. My notes literally say: "Go take your nacho dumps". It's one of the only notes I took on this match because it was a nothing match. The only thing that makes it interesting is that it goes to the time limit.
And then Rey makes them keep going for a real winner.
And loses.
Ugh.
This nothing of a match was followed by an ad for Spring Stampede with the Horsemen. It's a pretty decent ad. Everyone's dressed like a cowboy, sitting on horses, looking awkward. It's great. Unfortunately, now it's time for the Main Event.
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| Uuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh |
7) Triangle Match - NWO vs Horsemen & Piper vs WCW
May I just say that I find Michael Buffer to be insufferable. He is obnoxious and he sounds like he's about to sneeze. There. I said it.
Also, this match format makes 0 sense. It's like a mini tournament but also like a mini Royal Rumble? I dunno.
Piper's bagpipes play over Benoit coming out to the ring (He's one of the Horsemen... also weird).
The first matchup is Scott Hall vs the Giant vs Chris Benoit, which goes pretty well. Eventually, though, everyone's in the ring, and it just gets messy. Eliminations are over-the-top-rope, and some of them look brutal.
Somehow (through cheating, of course), the NWO prevail and spray paint Luger in the ring. Their celebrations are cut short, however...
Sting drops like a graceful stone to the ring, unclips, and begins wreaking havoc on the NWO, chasing them from the ring with a baseball bat. There's a moment of confrontation between he and Hogan, interrupted by Rodman, and there's a brawl.
All in all, guys, I'd call this a B- Pay Per View, but that is an A+ finish, right there!
I think that'll about do it for me today!
Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC
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| By this insanity |
Sting drops like a graceful stone to the ring, unclips, and begins wreaking havoc on the NWO, chasing them from the ring with a baseball bat. There's a moment of confrontation between he and Hogan, interrupted by Rodman, and there's a brawl.
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| He's 100% a boss. |
I think that'll about do it for me today!
Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC
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