The internet welcomed The Hire to life in 2001-2002, and again in 2016, and guys...
It's awesome.
The Hire is a series of short films where Clive Owen is The Driver, rolling around in fancy BMWs (because that's the car company the films are for) and having adventures. Each "episode" or film is directed by a different director, and each one has a theme. Each film is somewhere around 6-7 minutes long (except for one, which is both more expensive and longer than any other).
1.1: Ambush (John Frankenheimer)
The Driver (Clive Owen) is responsible for the transportation of a little old man carrying a briefcase. As the two travel, they are (as the title suggests) ambushed and commanded to hand over the stolen diamonds the old man has in his possession. Whether or not he actually stole these diamonds is up for debate, as is whether or not the old man is being honest when he insists that he has swallowed the diamonds and will therefore be murdered if they comply with the attackers.
The Driver pushes his fancy BMW to its limit and gets it full of bullet holes, and the whole thing is brilliant right up to the last effects shots. Eventually, they escape and The Driver lets his passenger out in a city. He asks whether the old man was being honest, but the old man merely chuckles and wanders off after paying The Driver. All in all, it's kind of what you'd expect from an early 2000s BMW ad/movie
1.2: Chosen (Ang Lee)
This was a bit of a surprise for me. 1) I've never really watched any Ang Lee movies. 2) I was not expecting something reminiscent of the 1990s The Shadow in a thinly-veiled BMW advertisement. The Driver has been hired to take a young mystic (probably supposed to be the new Dalai Lama) to another location. The boy hands him a silver box "for later" and tells him not to open it yet.
Something is wrong at the new location, and The Driver gets the boy out of harm's way but not before getting wounded (a stray bullet hits his ear). This is the first time we see blood in The Hire, but it won't be the last. It is, however, all leadup to a pretty cute gag.
The boy has foreseen this incident, and, after being left with the people he is meant to be left with, sends The Driver home. Back in this episode's poor, battered BMW, The Driver opens the box.
It's a Band-Aid for his injured ear.
1.3: The Follow (Wong Kar-wai)
If Wong Kar-wai asks you for money and tells you it's for another Noir-style film like this episode of The Hire, do not ask questions. Give him all of your money.
This isn't the best script. It's not the best short. It's not even a particularly good BMW ad. There are no crazy, gun-riddled chase scenes. There are no fight scenes. There is no clear & present danger.
This is a smooth saxophone solo and a puff of smoke. It feels longer than it is, but only because you want to live in the excellent lighting and smooth-voiced tone of this world. It is as close to a Noir as you could get in 2001/2002.
The Driver has been hired to follow an aging actor's wife. Mickey Rourke plays the actor, and from the first moment you see him in his yellow-lit trailer after long moments of blue-lit night-time driving with The Driver you know that Rourke's character is Bad News. The Driver is supposed to follow his wife. Keep tabs on her. Report back.
The Wife travels through town, trying to avoid her tail, going about her business. She shops here, eats there, talks on her phone elsewhere, and then she arrives at her destination.
The airport.
If you're beginning to think that she's maybe trying to avoid going back to her husband and might have a good reason to, you're not alone. The Driver eventually gets curious, and after overhearing a conversation between herself and her mother (which, since it's subtitled, I'm going to assume The Driver knew the language, too, because we only ever see or hear or know what he sees or hears or knows, and it feels intentional), settles in to keep an eye on her before her flight.
Eventually, he sees what he hoped not to - a black eye. Moments later, he's handing his pay back to the movie producer he was hired by and tells him he lost her and not to call him ever again. It is in this moment that a strict code of morality is given to the character, which... okay it might not actually ever be picked up again, but it's a nice character piece!
Seriously, this is one of my favorites, and it makes me wish that Wong Kar-wai was more of a Noir/character drama director, since he's got a real gift for it.
1.4: Star (Guy Ritchie)
Full disclosure - all these gifs came from my Film & Editing Friendo, and his response to Star was that it was "made for gifs".
The Driver has been contracted to ferry a diva (played by Madonna) to her venue. She's awful. From the moment she appears, you want to shove her into a convenient, nearby pile of manure and listen to her shriek.
She berates & mistreats everyone around her, including The Driver, who has none of her nonsense. He calmly gets her in the car and for the first few minutes, he's the same Driver we've come to know and love. He's respectful, he's genteel, he's patient. And then suddenly, with a call from her agent, a switch is flipped!
He drives like a maniac (in his defense, she has literally asked him to at several points now), throwing her around the car. He's having a blast with it, too. This is karma. This is justice.
via Gfycat
This is really, really funny!
Eventually, he dumps her out at her premier, on time, and in front of every paparazzo in Hollywood, and it is truly glorious.
This was Guy Ritchie at his best, to be honest. It's quick, witty, snappy, and hilarious.
Special Edition: Powder Keg (Alejandro González Iñárritu)
I call this one a "Special Edition" because it was basically purged. It doesn't work with the rest of the oeuvre, it's too saccharine and angry at the same time, and I absolutely despise shaky-cam footage. The whole film looks like it was shot from the back of a washing machine loaded with live sheep. The lighting is washed-out, the subject matter is very "THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT" but in a fashion that feels exploitative.
I just don't really care for this one.
Basically, The Driver is supposed to go pick up a wounded photojournalist from a dangerous area and bring him back to the US Embassy.
On return, the man nearly gets them both killed after mumbling about how war is hell and he couldn't help anyone and he really wishes his photos mattered and on and on and on. It should be moving. It's annoying. Anyway, the photographer tells The Driver that his mother taught him how to see, and eventually, they arrive at a checkpoint.
Photographer guy starts snapping pictures without film, seemingly intent on getting both of them slaughtered, and The Driver has to escape.
Please remember that this is a BMW ad.
Finally, the car stops in a safe zone, but the photographer is very, very dead. We get to watch blood spill out of him. It's gross and pointless. Fast-forward, the photographer has been posthumously awarded a Pulitzer and The Driver goes to the photographer's mother's house to drop off the dogtags and bittersweet news the man has left for him to take care of.
Do you feel that stupid Shyamalan feeling coming on? That "this is going to be an obvious and stupid plot twist" feeling?
Yeah.
Mom's blind. The end.
2.1: Hostage (John Woo)
Like Ang Lee, I've not been exposed to an abundance of John Woo films in the past. I have, however, been blessed to have seen Maury Chaykin before in A&E's version of the Nero Wolfe series. I was thrilled to see him in this episode of The Hire, playing a desperate employee who has kidnapped a CEO and is allowing her to die slowly in the trunk of her own car. Why anyone thought Clive Owen's Driver should be the one to save her, I don't know, but it's awesome to watch these two interact.
Unfortunately for Clive, Maury has business elsewhere, so he shoots himself in the head rather than tell The Driver where the CEO is. But he botches it, so... off The Driver goes as the EMTs move in.
So The Driver has to go looking for a woman trapped in the trunk of her own car. All he knows is that time is running out because she's on the phone with him and has told him that there's water coming in. That means she'll drown if he doesn't get to her in time. Cue BMW race-sequence with obligatory police interference, despite the FBI being on the case, which means local PD should have been informed. Who cares. It looks cool.
via Gfycat
The Driver eventually narrows down where she must be, but she cannot respond to his calls, since, y'know, drowning and all.
He does save her in time, though, and she even goes to see her kidnapper in the hospital, where she basically calls him an idiot. It's the last thing he hears before he dies.
All in all, great short!
2.2: Ticker (Joe Carnahan)
I love Don Cheadle. Seriously, he's brilliant. He's great in this short, too!
Here's the rundown: The Driver is ferrying a wounded Cheadle across an unnamed African country while handcuffed to a briefcase. They are attacked by a helicopter, which damages the case and mysterious gray fluid starts spurting from it as a countdown timer commences.
The Driver confronts his passenger, and it basically comes down to this: without what's in this case, the only shot for peace that this nation has will die, and a warmonger will take over. Now, it's a race against time and armies to get the passenger and his cargo to the right place. With the help of another bullet-riddled BMW, they make it just in time.
You may have guessed it, but the more peaceable leader of this country is in dire need of a heart transplant, and Cheadle's character is transporting it. The countdown is for the heart's viability. The fluid is coolant. The case is a fancy-ass cooler.
It's a pretty cool episode!
We've reached the end (not counting the Subplot Films, which were created to help people find a party in Las Vegas...) of The Hire.
They saved the best for last, my friends!
2.3: The Devil
Now, Chosen notwithstanding, pretty much everything up until now has been firmly set in the real world. There's even plausible deniability with the holy child's forethought in Chosen, because it was a very real possibility that there could be a fight on that journey.
Abandon all sense, ye who enter here. And all bitterness and sadness. This is a wild ride.
The Driver has been hired by James freaking Brown to take him somewhere. Normal enough, right?
It is until you realize that James Brown literally sold his soul to the Devil and is trying to renegotiate the contract. The Devil is Gary Oldman (who looks suspiciously like David Arquette during his WCW run...), his sidekick is "Bob" (Danny Trejo), and James Brown doesn't want his soul back, he wants 50 more years on stage without further wear and tear. And he's betting The Driver's soul on a drag race to get what he wants.
Now, as you may have guessed, this is a BMW vs Other Brand race down the Las Vegas strip from Dusk til Dawn, and the Devil's Right Hand, Bob (Trejo) is his driver in their souped-up flame-painted Pontiac Firebird. James Brown has the Driver in a BMW Z4 3.0i which I have no idea what I just wrote, but I'm sure if you're a gearhead you get it.
Regardless, the race is spectacular, and I cannot get over how cool everything about it is! If you can find it, watch it!
It's worth it for the surprise Marilyn Manson cameo at the end, alone :P
Alright, that'll do it for me for today, guys!
Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC
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