Survival Sunday 310: Dollar Dinner

In Which I Try Cheap Food For You

My family was out of town the other day and the oven was broken, so I had to fend for myself. I did so with the toaster oven and microwave and with about 8 bucks (I bought some snacks). The food I bought for dinner, however, only cost a dollar per serving!

We have a Family Dollar close to my house, which I can't necessarily recommend as a place to buy groceries in good conscience, but the second closest grocery store was a mile away and I was very tired and very hungry and I walk everywhere, so I chose the closer (cheaper) place.

And what a haul I got! A tall can of Coke, a Mountain Dew, and some hot cocoa mix made up my non-dollar purchases, but for a buck each, I picked up a bag of Bugles and two dinner items:

First up we have a Red Baron Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza

I've heard horror stories about these pizzas, guys. Some people have said they're the worst, and you know what? I believe them. If I'd microwaved this puck of pizza, it would have been viciously bad.

But I used the toaster oven instead because it said I could, so it was actually... pretty okay!

I mean, it's never going to taste like a homemade pizza...

It kind of reminded me of how bagel pizzas tasted as a kid. The sauce was a little overabundant and made the crust soggy under the cheese, but the overall eating experience was pretty decent. I'd absolutely eat that a second time. I will never, ever, ever microwave a dollar pizza again now that I have tasted how much better it is in the toaster oven.

Next Up we have a faintly terrifying meat patty in bread

Guys, I love bbq. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll be well-aware of my preference for bbq-flavored anything (except Frito twists for some reason...) This $1 Fast Bites rib sandwich was not something I'd held out a lot of hope for, though. I've had some meh sandwiches from Fast Bites, so I was anticipating a soggy, gristly mess between two slabs of bleh, gooey bread. I was... pleasantly surprised.

This sandwich only has microwave instructions, so I bucked up and did as I was told, nuking the sandwich in its wrapper (opened) for the required time. When it came out I was happy to find that the top bun was actually quite nice and springy and not wet and gross like I'd feared. The bottom bun got soggy, but that happens with the little White Castle sliders you can get from the freezer section, too, so I wasn't overly surprised.

Then I bit into the sandwich and was pleasantly surprised yet again! It had a good, but not overwhelming, bbq flavor, the meat was obviously pressed and formed but it didn't have any inedible bits in it and tasted like smoky pork instead of depression, and the bun actually tasted pretty decent. For a dollar, that almost tasted like a cheap fast food option rather than a horrifyingly cheap freezer option!

All in all, I'm pleased to see that dollar foods aren't the hellscape they were when I was in college. I'd love to know what changed, but I also don't actually want to know how they're made because I'd probably have more nightmares with that knowledge...

Actually, that's the last thing I wanted to talk about.

Whether it was the pizza or the sandwich, the only downside to this junkstravaganza was that when I finally did sleep that night, I was awakened by a night terror that featured a monstrosity somewhere between the alien threat from XTRO and a locust or grasshopper crawling up the far wall of my room, across the ceiling, and perching itself face to face with me while I was paralyzed. It just... breathed on me until I got annoyed and fell back asleep.

My brain is weird.

So yeah, despite the night terror (which could have actually been caused by having a tall Coke, a blue Mountain Dew, and three cups of coffee, let's be fair) I'd actually recommend these foods to anyone who is on a budget or needs a quick bite to eat. Just... use the toaster oven or a conventional oven for the pizza if you can.

Go Enjoy Something!
FC