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| Boo ya! VHS cover! |
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| I feel I have to prove that I'm not just spelling the word "Colosseum" incorrectly... |
The video opened with a poor quality rendition of the Undertaker's theme over some strangely-edited photos and video clips of Paul Bearer through the years leading up to 1994, when this tape came out. Eventually, we come to the actual video itself, with Paul Bearer himself taking us through what we're told is an old, possibly haunted theater that he likes to hang out with 'Taker in, sometimes. The tight brick hallways are filled with dry ice vapors and backlit with that brilliant 80s/90s combo of cyan & fuchsia neon lights (but subtly). Paul's voice is at peak Tiny Tim levels here - so high pitched you can barely understand him unless you're part corgi.
The first thing I noticed when he listed off the matches we'd be seeing was that Paul Bearer wasn't involved in any way in 99% of them. That's because out of nine matches, only one - the final match - had the Undertaker in it... what.
Regardless, we came to our first match:
1) Jeff Jarrett vs Lex Luger
It's a battle of the blonds with commentary from Gorilla Monsoon and Sweet Stan Lane. Stan's a surprisingly good commentary guy, and he plays well off of Gorilla. The Venue, despite being huge and packed, looks cheap and kind of tacky, even by 80s/90s standards.
At one point, the topic of Luger's physique comes up and we get our first blatant untruth of the video: Gorilla claims that he used to have a body like Luger's but he couldn't make money until he "let himself go"...
Then the commentary turned on Jeff Jarrett and began making fun of his father, Jerry Jarrett. This makes sense to me. As a rival to Vince McMahon, Jerry Jarrett would have been made a target in order to keep WWE fans from caring about the fact that Vince was literally devouring the entire wrestling business in a vain attempt at a wrestling monopoly.
Jeff Jarrett's tights are blinding - he looks like he took apart one of the Rockers' costumes and strung the tassels around his neck to form one of those silly looking cage shirts that were so popular in the 80s/90s, which I guess ticks Luger off, because the match starts with endless traded headlocks.
Gorilla & Stan are hungry, and I know this because when some late arrivals scoot past the hard camera to their front row seats, they complain and Gorilla gripes that "they could've at least brought us a hot dog!" The whole match is riddled with weirdness, too, because what I thought was a (sensible) "You can't sing" chant (Jarrett was in the middle of his "I'm a country star, but I never sing in front of a live audience" gimmick) turned out to be a "USA" chant...
Jeff Jarrett is from Tennessee, last I checked, and Luger is from New York. There is not a single person involved in this match, including the commentary, who aren't American.
Oh 90s wrestling fans...
The commentary aren't exactly supportive of this match, even going so far as to say that "Lex Luger doesn't get fired up" because he's not really reacting too negatively to any of the taunts and rude behavior of Jeff Jarrett. Well, not beyond his usual and hilariously loud "Oof!"s and "Oh!"s... Even referee Mike Chiota seems to want the match to end quickly. Jarrett eventually slaps an endless sleeper hold on Lex Luger, which only highlights that the ridiculous hot pink feathers on the backs of his boots have ended up all over the ring. Since Luger is falling asleep, Gorilla takes the opportunity to sell out X-Pac (then the 1-2-3 Kid) and Kurt Hennig by bringing up the fact that anything could happen if you fall asleep around wrestlers, including having your eyebrows shaved off (which Hennig did to X-Pac...)
It takes until almost the end of the match for us to be told that it's taking place in Syracuse, NY. This was back in the day when Vince wouldn't habitually humiliate wrestlers in front of their home crowds, so we now know that Luger is winning. Not that he wouldn't anyway. This is the era of the Lex Express - he's on his hot streak at this point in his career! So Luger gets out of the sleeper hold and chases Jarrett around the ring, but his power slam is the sloppiest I've ever seen him do, pre-injuries, and Gorilla poo-poos it. Thankfully, he follows the garbage slam up with his Torture Rack, and wins the match.
All in all, not a match I would've lead with, but hey, at least it didn't suck! I still wish it had been a "You Can't Sing" chant, though...
At this point, we're ejected back into the "1800s era theater" with Bearer, and the cameramen are apparently walking on marbles because they can't get a steady shot to save their lives. Bearer leads us into a Kliq match!
2) Razor Ramon (Intercontinental Champion) vs Shawn Michaels (with Diesel).
The boys are back in town - specifically Springfield, Massachusetts, which we're not told about until near the end of the match.
Razor is so over that it's almost terrifying. Moms & kids are freaking out as he goes to the ring where Shawn & Diesel are waiting.
I don't know what the context of the call is during the match, but at one point Gorilla yells "He's got more moves than Ex-Lax" and I don't know who he was talking about.
This should've been the opening match, guys. It was fantastic, and even though Stan & Gorilla make 0 sense while they're hollering at each other, it's a great time. The crowd is white hot, and Razor took a body slam onto concrete he'd exposed earlier. It's good storytelling, it's good wrestling, and everyone wants to be there.
I mean, the worst part of the match is the ugliest and most poorly-executed Bret's Rope Axe Handle (bringing both fists clenched together down on your opponent from the second rope) I've ever seen from Shawn Michaels. It's embarrassing.
One of the highlights for me was hearing Kevin Nash (Diesel) yelling for Michaels to "Put him out"! repeatedly. Eventually, however, Diesel got involved and the three brawled to the outside, resulting in a disappointing countout draw...
Oh, but that's not where it ends!
Since, in storyline (kayfabe), Michaels has been being a turd about Razor, and since the fans are still going ballistic, the match is restarted, which never happens anymore (except in stupid cases, I've noticed), and somehow, these guys started going even faster.
Diesel elbow dropped Razor with the IC Title wrapped around his arm as a way of breaking up Razor pinning Michaels, and then Marty Jannetty, Michaels' old partner, ran out to the ring, tassels and all (possibly reclaimed from the Jarrett/Luger match) and rescues Razor, leading Razor to victory.
It's the best storytelling of the tape, and I'm just sad it didn't end up going all the way to Wrestlemania, because a grudge match where Jannetty & Razor team up against Michaels & Diesel would have been awesome.
Suddenly, we're dumped back into the theater, where Bearer's Tiny Tim voice is at its peak and we're dragged into an abandoned dressing room supposedly haunted by the ghost of WC Fields... I highly doubt it. The next match was announced and I knew I'd be earning that commission because... I don't like MOM...
3) Mabel with Oscar (Men On a Mission) vs Bam Bam Bigelow with Luna Vachon.
I have 4 lines of notes here and I'll reproduce them for you:
- This match sucks but Luna is ******* crazy!
- Stan Lane & Gorilla freaking out about Mabel & Bam Bam's haircuts (Mable has a bleached mohawk that they claim is not something you should wear in "the ghetto"... Bam Bam has his bald, tattooed look going on).
- Terrible Ray Charles joke regarding costume design (Mabel has a shiny purple jumpsuit, Bam Bam is, of course wearing black, yellow, & red flames)
- Meh
I love Bam Bam Bigelow. I love Luna Vachon. Neither of these bananas people could save this match.
Paul lied to us twice in this transition segment: he would abandon us in a cold, dank basement, and that match sucked.
4) Quebecers with Raven in his Johnny Polo gimmick vs the Headshrinkers with both Captain Lou Albano
Macho Man & Vince McMahon are on commentary, aided by Johnny Polo, so this is 100% supposed to be a comedy match, even though this is technically a face-turn for the Headshrinkers. The match itself has a lot of great energy and a shoving match. Unfortunately, like a lot of comedic matches, this one had what appeared to be a wonky ending, but it was rescued by the Quebecers (including modern man-beast Pierre-Carl Oullette/PCO) being forced to rejoin the match after they attempted to flee with the titles. If they do not return, they'll lose their titles anyway.
At this point, the match goes crazier than Luna in a car with Gangrel.
Samu winds up literally hanging in the ropes by his neck, which I never ever want to see another wrestler ever do ever. At one point, Johnny Polo & Lou Albano start fighting, though, and that's hilarious. PCO takes a gnarly blow from one of the Samoans, followed by Fatu crushing him from the top rope.
5/5 would watch this match again!
This match rolled straight into the next.
5) Earthquake vs Adam Bomb
Howard Finkel, Vince McMahon, Gorilla Monsoon, & Harvey Whippleman make up the outside-the-ring presences, and it's all setup for Fink vs Downtown Bruno tuxedo match at a later date.
I like Earthquake and I have a soft spot for Adam Bomb and I don't know why. This isn't a bad match, but it's also not a great one. The commentary is kind of cringey, too, since Vince makes a North Korean nuke joke that... meh. It's also a squash match, which is very good for poor Earthquake, who is terribly winded five minutes into the match and ends up tying himself into the ropes for a moment just to get a break.
Earthquake ends up sitting on Adam Bomb's chest in the end, a prime example of nature triumphing over human ingenuity. Also a prime example of Vince booking a match.
We're getting towards the end, and Paul Bearer has found himself sitting in a the upper seats, lit by spotlights. Now we move onto the next match.
6) Bret Hart vs Kwang (Savio Vega)
Bret rocks, and Kwang is surprisingly brutal in the ring. Fun fact - Savio Vega was the first member of Undertaker's gang (BSK) to get the gang name tattooed onto his body. I say "gang" - they were a group of friends who played dominoes and hated disorder in the locker room. Definitely look some stuff up about them if you've got time...
Regardless, Vince & Macho Man cannot call martial arts moves at all, so it's hilarious to listen to the commentary on this match.
Bret stretches Savio Vega a bunch, Harvey won't shut up, and Vince is obsessed with Kwang's awesome kicks (and rightfully so, they looked great). At one point, Owen Hart wound up on the phone with Vince & Macho, and he's an absolute pill to them. It's amazing and awesome and he will not stop snarking over his boss.
The match itself was fantastic but short with a really solid Sharpshooter finish and Bret victorious.
Owen even snarked about that. It rocked.
We rolled right into match number seven, next...
7) Men on a Mission (MOM) with Doink vs the Quebecers & Jeff Jarrett.
Another short match with snarky notes:
- Oscar sucks so bad at rapping he makes me look like DMX. That bad.
- Stan & Gorilla need to stop talking about black culture in the 90s, because they sound horrifically racist.
- Doink & Dink chased Jarrett out of the stadium
- The Quebecers are possibly the most giving tag team in WWE at that point, because there's no way MOM should have won, even if Mo is not that bad.
Paul Bearer interrupts us from groaning at another MOM match by wanting to show us his theater box that he shares with Undertaker from time to time. I'm confused. Is this a functioning theater or does it just put on undead performances for Taker & Bearer...
8) Lex Luger & Macho Man vs Yokozuna and Cruuuuuuush~?! (That's how Bearer said his name...)
Crush's outfit was more Grape Crush, since he's no longer in his Orange Crush phase. The match itself refused to start for a long, long time, and Crush looked bored as hell. Gorilla monsoon started giving Yokozuna a bunch of bull about breaking toilets. Ugh.
Eventually, after much boring nothingness, Lex Luger Pinned Crush. Just for ending this match, Lex has become a hero in my eyes.
It's time for the final match - the main event of this VHS tape, if you will - and Paul Bearer's spotlight has turned green. It's finally time for our only Undertaker match!
9) Undertaker vs Crush
Raven (again as Polo) & Gorilla are on commentary in this match, running down Paul Bearer, but they're completely undercut by the shocking flood of awesome-looking Undertaker merchandise in the crowd as the camera pans along.
I've never seen a match with Crush that I've really loved before, so seeing him and Undertaker having really good in-ring chemistry was a shock. I think this might be Crush's best match ever, and it's a relatively good length, I feel. It's only augmented by Gorilla Monsoon & Johnny Polo strategizing different ways to stop the Phenom, although Johnny Polo hollering "He's got him right in the Goozel!" during one of the Undertaker's chokeslams might maybe detract a bit but I'm not sure. It was too funny not to love, especially with how upset Gorilla seems to be at the phrase and its repeated usage.
There were several traded attempts at performing the Tombstone, which tells me that Crush & Taker 100% trusted one another in the ring, because that transition? You can absolutely kill someone with that transition. Yikes.
The match ended with Undertaker giving Crush the last Tombstone and giving him the cross-armed pin. I prefer this era's Undertaker, not only for his absolute confidence in the ring or on the ropes, but also because he doesn't do that stupid tongue thing when he pins guys. I 100% prefer no-tongue Taker.
The outro for this feature is more green-lit Bearer being creepy, and then it just... ends.
I have to say, this was a pretty easy watch, as all the Home Video Classics I've seen so far have been. I look forward to watching more, and I hope that if you have the WWE Network or you know someone who does, you check them out. I mean, you could try to find the tapes through your library or on EBay or something, but the Network is easier. I also apologize for the lack of images.
Regardless, I think that should do it for this Wednesdaymania!
Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC
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