Filmic Friday 214: Triple Horror Showdown

I promised, and I'm delivering!

We watched three "horror" movies recently, and I wanted to do a quick rundown of all three. The first movie was set up by Film & Editing Friendo, since he'd had quite the saga getting the darn thing in the first place. The second was viewed at the request of Friendo's mom, who we'll call Epic Mom Deserving of All Honor & Praise... or maybe just Epic Mom. I think Epic Mom suits. Anyway, the third was a the request of both Z & myself because it's one of those so-bad-it's-good movies we've become obsessed with over the years.

Without Further Ado: The Triple Horror Showdown COMMENCES!

Buckle Up, Kids...

Screams of a Winter Night is only really unique in that it had one of the most epic online marketing campaigns I've ever heard of, having never witnessed it myself. Apparently, there's a certain distributor run by a madman in a banana costume (they call him Banana Man), and they got ahold of a print of this film. Rather than just clean it up and distribute it like a sensible company, Code Red decided to pimp this movie like it was the work of God. No, seriously, one of the taglines they had in their advertising was "And on the 8th Day, God Created Screams of a Winter Night". Yikes.

I don't think there was anything resembling a deity involved in this movie.

Film & Editing Friendo had been telling us about this film for ages. Part of this is because it was almost impossible to get ahold of, (since Code Red is run by, as I mentioned a crazy person in a banana costume,) and part of it's because it's a weird, off-putting film. And I don't mean off-putting in the Screaming Mad George way. I mean off-putting as in, it's going to put you off of movies for a while. I kid. I kid. I don't kid.

Screams is an anthology film from 1979 following a group of boring college-age adults out to a spoopy cabin in the woods. That's not a typo. It's just not that spooky. I mean, it's definitely somewhere in the 1870s-1970s decor range, and it looks like someone smoked the film-stock, and they're just such uninteresting people... oof. Anyway, they go to this cabin and one of them starts telling a story of how the cabin exploded because of wind demons a long time ago. It's not a good story. He's nearly incomprehensible. Much like the rest of the movie.

This shot right here? That's 75% of the film.

Now, unfortunately for us, everyone seems to have a "scary" story they want to tell as night falls. The acting is bad, the scripts are bad, and honestly? That's what saves this movie. It's a super-amateurish movie with good concepts, and it uses some interesting urban legends to progress itself. Unfortunately, it takes itself way too seriously. The college kids are also the only actors in the whole movie, so that's also a stretch, because they're usually supposed to be playing different roles in the stories, but they just come off as the same characters over and over again.

I have to say, my favorite part of how dumb this movie can be is how it begins with a completely black screen for about ten minutes while we listen to another movie happening. I know it's supposed to be the events that Glasses McNocharisma talks about, but it's baffling. Oh, and then, when the black screen resolves, we're jammed into an eternal driving scene. Drugs in the late 70s must've really mellowed people out, because no 80s cokehead would be able to withstand the nonstop tedium...

And on the 8th day, God created Screams of a Winter Night.
...
God was just starting his third year of film school.

 What really gets my goat, though, is that the best segment was cut from the final product. I mean, we have the stupid Green Light segment, the tired old makeout-point-hook-killer segment (which we never see the killer), and a bunch of kids sitting around talking, but...

No stutter-booing graveyard ghost scene?!

Seriously, the haunted graveyard segment was the best. It was interesting, it had some great zombie effects, it had clearly had the most effort put into it. It actually looked like it was from a different movie! I mean, same actors, so clearly same movie, but... it had action, it had writing, it had a gruesome death where someone impaled himself on a wrought iron fence! It rocked by comparison to the hackneyed and bland writing & acting on the other segments. Maybe that's why it was cut. It made the rest of the movie look bad.

There are some interesting moments, I guess :P

Of course, the most action we get besides the cut graveyard bit is the finale. The wind blows too hard and people panic, some running out into the woods, others being slaughtered dramatically when the wind blows in the windows and knocks down chandeliers and eventually somehow causes another explosion. Very cool. Unfortunately, we then cut from the destruction to a small group of dweebs running through the woods with a rented-helicopter shot blasting the trees with the downdraft. It would be interesting if we hadn't just cut from mayhem...

And that's Screams of a Winter Night. Don't pay for it if you can help it. Seriously. Find someone who has a copy and just watch it with them.




Next, we have Epic Mom's choice: Enter the Devil.

Do not be fooled by how cool this cover is.

Enter the Devil is an Evil Cult film from 1972. Set in southwest Texas, this movie follows a bunch of people just trying to live their lives and farm whatever it is they're farming using migrant labor. Unfortunately...

There's a murder-cult to contend with.

This movie is all about the ways the murder-cult kills people. With a name like Enter the Devil, you'd be expecting this to be a Satanist-panic movie, but it's not. These guys? They're 100% Catholic. Seriously. Not Satanists at all - they're killing for... reasons? Not to appease the Devil, that's for sure. Actually, there's no mention of the Devil at all in this movie outside of the title. Heck, they talk way more about snakes!

Since there's a pit of murder-rattlers that's maintained by the murder-cult.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with Enter the Devil, but that's the problem. There's nothing really wrong with it. It's not tacky, or hilariously poorly shot, and there aren't any particularly strange performances. This is a problem, since it's a very slow-moving movie for a film about a bunch of robed murder-mavens slowly killing their way through a Texas town. I mean, I suppose we could latch onto the upsetting amount of body hair? We see way too much of the lead when he has a sex scene with the pretty lady. Don't get attached to her, btw.

But yeah, Enter The Devil is definitely a group-setting-only movie. That, or it's a film to watch when you really need a nap, because while it's not actually boring, it is very lulling. And weird. It's pretty weird.

Kudos on not having the bad guys actually be Devil-worshippers, though. That's pretty different!



Z & I chose a movie that has become near & dear to our hearts. It's a film that we once saw discussed in a review on YouTube, then we found a Joe-Bob Briggs episode with the movie in it, and we were hooked! So Film & Editing Friendo finds a copy, and he settles us all down, and we're so excited, and he cues it up and the production logo appears and...

He Rick Rolled us.

Seriously.

I mean, this was on Monday, so he kind of had to, but wow. That was smooooooooth.

Then, when the laughter and friendly sniping finished, he was awesome enough to cue up the real movie.

That movie was Howling VII: New Moon Rising. And it's amazing.

Don't be fooled by this cover. Nothing this exciting happens.

Howling: New Moon Rising is the seventh movie in the Howling franchise, and the best way you can tell that is by the fact that it's mostly made up of flashbacks to other, better-made movies in the series. Directed by (kind of) and starring an actor from a previous movie (the Australian Clive Turner, playing the character "Ted"), this movie is set in the very real bucolic desert village of Pioneertown, CA. Why is this important? Because aside from Clive, most everyone else in this movie is an actual resident of Pioneertown. This includes the greatest and most important resident/character in this movie:

Behold: Pappy Allen, a true genius and a wonderful actor.
I'm not even kidding, he's a joy and a treasure in this movie.

What's the story of Howling VII? Who really knows. We mostly just follow Clive Turner around and watch him whine about no one knowing who George Jones is while working at the local bar. There's a story in there somewhere, but who cares about that when you have a bunch of wonky cowboys playing with their zippers to an a cappella version of Deep in the Heart of Texas for some reason?

Seriously, I've seen this movie 3-4 times now and still don't know what's happening here...

When the movie does decide to throw story at us, it's usually in a combination of flashbacks to other movies or really boring discussions between this derpy priest guy and an ancient detective who makes Matlock look like Mannix.

Though I'm extra-envious of this dull priest's awesome lamp back there.
I want one.

The crowning glory of this movie is, of course, the saga of Pappy & his chili. Why you'd prepare chili over an open flame in the dustiest place in town right next to a flipping road, I don't know, but Pappy does what Pappy does, and we common folk must never question His Greatness.

One of the residents rolls up to Pappy, stirring away at his chili with a diligence and grace only the most dedicated country-western folksinger can muster, and asks him a question. When he answers, she peels out like an utter cretin and the road dust from her stupid bigwheel truck utterly peppers the chili. This becomes a running joke - so much so, that in honor of this glorious scene (which is much later in the movie than I remember), Epic Mom made us our own chili, which we happily "dirtied" with pepper, cheese (which chili can be served with), and delicious bagel crouton thingies.

Perfection.

Pappy, there's dirt in the chili

But where, in this werewolf movie, are the werewolves?

Ah, you sweet summer child. It's Howling VII. You get red-filtered scenes every so often to indicate a werewolf hunting people down. No wolf for you. Not unless it's in flashbacks.

So many different werewolves... so little effort.

But basically, it boils down to this: people start dying, they blame Ted (Clive's character), and then it turns out to not be him. It's some random person in the town who we know nothing about.

via Gfycat

It's freaking awesome.

I would absolutely recommend watching any of these movies, provided you have the right friend group. Not everyone loves bad movies, after all, and all of these movies qualify as "bad" by standard definitions. I, personally, love Howling VII with all my bitter black heart, but not everyone will. It can be a slog if you're not into it.

That being said, it's always fun to combine movies with food, so pour yourself a bowl of chili and strap in, peeps!


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