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| G1 Climax 29 Final August 12, 2019 The Budokan 3:32:05 for the whole show |
Now, certainly, I have issues with how they booked Taichi over Naito, but my whining aside, this was an insane tournament, and if you want your mind blown with good wrestling, you go watch the whole thing. Every day. That's about... 33 hours, 40 minutes of just the wrestling. There's probably close to an hour and a half each day of just the interim stuff! At least!
Good god.
SO: here's just the matches all for you.
Match 1: Karl Fredericks and Clark Connors vs Ren Narita and Yota Tsuji (9:53)
I've gushed about Young Lions before, and this match is basically a clinic. They really show their stuff here, and when Yota Tsuji is your "weak link" you're doing pretty freakin well. Because Yota Tsuji is already as good as most guys in the WWE. Not joking.
Rocky Romero, on commentary, talked about his time in the New Japan Dojo, explaining that the LA boys get more of a focus on actual wrestling, whereas (at least when he was in the Japanese Dojo) the boys from Japan end up getting mostly MMA training.
Meanwhile, all four of these men were having a heck of a match, selling everything like they were actually in a real fight, culminating in (I'm pretty sure) Clark Connors laying in such a deep Boston Crab on Yota Tsuji that I feared for the man. It was a fantastic way to finish a marvelous match.
Match 2: Taguchi Japan (Jeff Cobb and Jushin Thunder Liger) with Tiger Mask IV vs Suzuki-gun (Lance Archer, Taichi, and Yoshinobu Kanemaru) (7:36)
Miho Abe, Taichi's valet, showed up in... a t-shirt? Huh. Odd. I think that was their way of signalling their loss to the crowd, because she's always in her gear. Also, they rarely have her up on the turnbuckles with everyone else.
Suddenly, Liger's music hit, and Kevin Kelly gave out a boyish "Yayyyyy!" that had me cackling. The match started with a brawl (and Miho running outside as quickly as she could, poor dear), and then they settled into a great match. In spite of Taichi. At least he kept his stupid pants on.
Jeff Cobb and Lance Archer were perfect for each other in this match, and I was surprised that they weren't a bigger part of the G1 Final - they're awesome.
In the end, Taguchi Japan were victorious and performed Liger's pose in the ring all together. It was adorable. This was probably Liger's final G1 Match in his life, and that makes me very sad.
Match 3: Bullet Club (Chase Owens, Taiji Ishimori, and Yujiro Takahashi with the lovely Pieter) vs Chaos (Sho, Yoh, and Will Ospreay) (7:57)
Not gonna lie, when Pieter came out with very little on her lower half besides some ridiculously wide fishnets and a practically painted-on g-string, I kind of had a brain break. She's insanely beautiful, and she's currently the best part of the Tokyo Pimps. I mean, come on. She's gorgeous!
As for the wrestling in this match, it was, of course, phenomenal. I'm not even joking. Yes, Chase Owens is a student of Ricky Morton and he kind of is the Ricky to Taiji's Robert. Yes, Yujiro is still a half-baked worker 90% of the time. But Taiji is so. good.
I'm digging Ospreay's slightly safer working style - heavy on selling his slowly collapsing body, lighter on the crazy moves.
Except for doing one of those crazy "hey, let me run up your chest, do a back flip, then flip again and kick you in the face" moves on Ishimori. Yikes. In a good way, but yikes all the same.
It's also Tiger Hatori's last match in the Budokan (the elderly referee). He's awesome and we'll miss him.
In the end, Ospreay performed a gravity-defying Stormbreaker on Yujiro and pinned him after playing airtraffic control for Roppongi 3K, who leaped from the ring in a duet of perfectly executed Topes con Hilos to keep any interference from the ring.
Fabulous match.
Match 4: Taguchi Japan (Juice Robinson and Toa Henare) vs Jon Moxley and Shota "Shooter" Umino (6:19)
Talk about your brutal matches! These guys beat each other nearly to death, and it was awesome to watch. I love that Shota was wearing Mox's jacket and carrying his belt, but still looked like he was choosing to do it! The commentary team are a bit worried for Shota, saying he should take some time to "decompress" and absorb Moxley's teachings so as not to become too violent early in his career. They only had 10 days until the Super J Cup tournament, so I don't know how much "decompression" he'll get.
Umino still lost the match, but his energy was phenomenal in his fight against Henare! While Henare did pin him, the last laugh belonged to Moxley, who had none of that losing nonsense and chucked Juice straight through a spare table and walked out with the belt, letting Shota follow under his own power.
Straight up, you need to see this match if you want to know why people wanted to push Dean Ambrose back in the day. This match will teach you what Vince refused to see.
Match 5: Taguchi Japan (Ryusuke Taguchi, Togi Makabe, Tomoaki Honma, Toru Yano) with Hirooki Goto vs Los Ingobernables de Japon (EVIL, Sanada, Bushi, Shingo Takagi, and Tetsuya Naito) (8:56)
Let me just say I'm not a huge fan of multi-man tag matches. They're not long enough for everyone to shine and they're hard to keep track of.
That being said, this was one of the good ones!
First off, we had Kevin Kelly's hilarious running "Hey, it's Honma!" gag every time Honma has come to the ring with his weird hood and taken it off in-ring. Then we had BUSHI coming out with a mask that I couldn't decide if it was supposed to be Flowey from Undertale or the Demogorgon from Stranger Things... probably Flowey? Not sure. Neither was Rocky Romero, who insisted with every mask that each mask was totes BUSHI's for real face, guys. Sanada still has the absolute best skull masks on Earth.
The match itself is shockingly brutal, with Taguchi, a comedy guy, getting his face plowed into the ring so hard I worried he'd end up like Yoshi-Hashi. Then again, there was still the laughable moment of Goto having to jog across the arena and back up the entrance ramp to free Yano from the Paradise Lock, which he was abandoned in. That was funny!
You know what's not funny? Head trauma.
Which is why I hate the Kokeshi Drop. It's already nearly ended Honma's career once. It can be retired before he's forced to be.
Speaking of Honma, Chris Charleton was with us this evening at the G1 and informed viewers that Honma's distinctive, growly voice is the result of a crushed larynx. Don't try this at home, kids.
Sanada ended the match by utterly wrecking Honma and pinning him. All in all, a fun ten-man tag match!
Match 6: Bullet Club GoD (Bad Luck Fale, Tama Tonga, Tanga Loa) vs Chaos (Tomohiro Ishii, Yoshi-Hashi, and KENTA) (8:35)
By now you'll have probably heard the news about KENTA and the result of this match.
I don't really have the words for this, so I'll just copy-paste my notes.
- Oh boy. I do not know how to feel about this. I know how it ended, and what happened after, but here’s the match itself.
- Before the intros, Kevin Kelly talks about how he can’t wait to go home and celebrate his wife’s birthday, stick around with his kids. Chris Charleton is going to be… vaguely busy? Rocky will be training in the Caribbean.
- Ain’t nobody realer than Gorillas.
- Dude, the Tongans are insanely perfect. I love them and fear them and respect them. They are, in fact, GoD.
- Wait… is their theme over the beat to that one song where the guy is rapping about putting white girls in his trunk and not wanting to kill people but he does it anyway?
- Good guys all come out to their own themes. Lack of cohesion among the Faces could lead to their downfall overall (opinion).
- It’s a gooooood match, right up til the end. And boy, the end.
- So, basically, about ¾ of the way through, KENTA stops accepting tags. In fact, he has no interest in fighting.
- Because KENTA has joined Bullet Club.
- This is a problem, because KENTA is best pals (or so we thought) with Mr New Japan himself, Katsuyori Shibata.
- Who shows up.
- And has a minimatch vs KENTA and the Bullet Club where they mock him after beating him nearly to death.
- On the one hand, Shibata looks like a million Yen
- On the other hand, Shibata broke his goddamn neck. Stop testing it, bro, it’s not a good idea.
- But I also really miss having Shibata in the ring…
Match 7: Suzuki-gun (Minoru Suzuki and Zack Sabre Jr) vs Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kazuchika Okada (15:27)
Thank god, a non-controversial match!
Seriously, this match is amazing! I loved it. It is a close contender for match of the night! Two Submission Gods vs two men who look great taking submissions? Sign me the heck up!
Oh look, controversy - Suzuki has cupping bruises. If you don't know what cupping is, it's a pseudoscientific nonsensical "treatment" athletes are raving about where your sore parts are suction cupped so that the blood flows to the area faster and you heal faster. There is no real science to back this up (just like the claims of chiropractors and acupuncturists, which are also pseudoscience). And just like with acupuncture and chiropractic nonsense, it can kill you. Easily. Because when you pull blood to the skin? And you intentionally bruise yourself? It can form really nasty clots and kill you. What's worse? A sore shoulder? OR DEATH?!
Okay, now I'm done with controversy, because this match. Oh man, this match was so flipping cool!
My favorite part might have been Suzuki and ZSJ both latching on submissions on the same guy, then getting bored with their limbs and swapping places so they could crush the other limb!!!
In the end, Suzuki got hold of Okada and tried to crush his throat for a while before pinning his lifeless body for the win. Watch the match. It's incredible.
Match 8: Kota Ibushi vs Jay White (31:01)
This match is 100% pure violence and wickedness. I love it. Seriously.
From the moment Jay arrived with the entire Bullet Club (including the treacherous KENTA), to the moment Red Shoes shooed them all backstage, leaving only Gedo, I knew this match would be amazing. And it was.
There is no way I can describe this match with anything approaching justice. I can only say this: it's one of the most fantastic half hours in Japanese wrestling in the last year. Looking for a match where two masters of their craft out think, outrun, out wrestle, and outdo one another for a full half hour plus? Here you go. It's giftwrapped and everything.
Also, watching Red Shoes eject specifically Gedo is life, and I love it.
Go watch Kota Ibushi vs Jay White. I don't care how you have to do it. Just do it.
Go Enjoy Something!!!
FC
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